(^34) DAILY MIRROR TUESDAY 30.07.2019
DM1ST
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YOU
SAY
DEAR COLEEN
Britain’s most straight-talking problem page
[email protected]
BOYFRIEND’S SO UNSYMPATHETIC
Dear Coleen
I’ve had a terrible few months. My
beloved pet dog passed away, my
mother’s been very ill, and I was
overlooked for a promotion at
work that I’d put so much effort
into getting.
My problem is my boyfriend
and how he’s reacted to it all. He’s
a bit of a comedian and a glass
half-full kind of person and he just
doesn’t get how bad I’ve been
feeling about everything.
He just makes light of things
and tries to cheer me up, but it’s
not what I need right now. How
can I get him to see that I’ve been
really affected by everything
that’s happened?
Coleen says
I understand that – there are
times when you don’t want to be
cheered up and you just need an
arm around your shoulder and to
be allowed to feel bad. It is
important to feel those emotions
and work through them.
I’m an optimistic person by
nature and find humour helps
me in most situations. But I’m
also good at judging when not to
bring out the jokes and when
someone just wants to talk. But
maybe your boyfriend doesn’t
know how to deal with more
difficult feelings, so if you
explain to him that while you
appreciate things will get better,
there are some days when you
just need to feel sorry for
yourself and you don’t want him
to be funny.
It’s fine to have those moping
days when you drag a duvet
downstairs, watch the telly and
don’t speak to anyone at all. As
long as you can get up the next
day and tackle life and the
“couch days” don’t take over.
I think many of us have a need
or a tendency to retreat if we’re
going through a tough time, but
seeing friends and distracting
yourself with jobs and days out
is also really good for helping
you to feel better.
People who don’t have pets
don’t understand how much of a
loss it is when one dies so, again,
you might have to explain this.
DAD IS SUCH
A FOOL WITH
YOUNG GIRL
Dear Coleen
My dad is making a fool of himself
by going out with a much younger
woman and it’s embarrassing for
my siblings and me. We’re all male
and, at 25, she’s the same age as
me, and a few years younger than
my older brothers.
My dad is 55 and sometimes I
have to leave the room when he’s
with her – they’re all over each
other, kissing and hugging, but he
can’t see how uncomfortable it
makes us and how daft he looks.
My mum, who divorced him a few
years back, thinks it’s hilarious and
is convinced it won’t last, but I’m not
so sure. It’s like
he’s having a
midlife crisis.
My mum, on
the other hand,
has been
seeing a guy
her age and I
have no
problem with
their
relationship.
Coleen says
Maybe he is being a bit over the
top because he can’t believe his
luck and he’s in love, so just let him
get on with it.
It can be really tough in your
50s to find a relationship – I should
know as I’m 54 and recently
divorced, and I feel kind of invisible
if I’m honest. It’s not like being
single in your 20s or 30s when you
feel on top of your game and have
a big pool of single people your
own age to choose from.
I had a driver from the ITV
studio the other day who was
talking about a celebrity he really
fancied and then he said, “But
she’s 50 now, so she’s too old.”
That’s a horrible ageist attitude.
I do understand you feeling
awkward about him getting all
touchy-feely in front of you, so why
not just say, “Dad, I’m happy for
you, but can you rein it in when
you’re with us?”
Maybe this relationship will last
and maybe it won’t, but he’s a
grown man and has the right to
make his own choices – and, of
course, his own mistakes.
Wife won’t quit smoking
after three heart attacks
Dear Coleen
My problem is my wife’s smoking. Even
after three heart attacks, she still won’t
quit. I’ve even written her a letter,
telling her how I feel because I just
can’t get through to her.
Our son is about to go to university
to start a four-year course in games
design and has a promising future
ahead of him. However, I worry my
wife won’t be around to see all the
wonderful things ahead of him.
I refuse to buy cigarettes for her any
more and I do try to get her to see
reason, but she just shrugs it off, even
though she knows I’m right and admits
what she’s doing is stupid.
She’s been a smoker for 40 years and
it has definitely impacted her health,
but she still lights up as soon as she
wakes up in the morning, yet she
makes out to the rest of our family and
her workmates that she’s stopped.
I’m at my wits’ end – I want her to
be around to enjoy our son’s success,
hopefully grandchildren and our
retirement – but I can’t see it while she
continues with this selfish habit.
Coleen says
I understand your frustration and you
are 100% right, but I know as a smoker
myself that no one will be feeling
worse about it than your wife. Every
night I go to bed feeling bad because
my kids hate that I smoke.
It’s an addiction like any other, but
if she were an alcoholic or a drug
addict, there would be the opportunity
for rehab. I know if I could get to rehab
for several weeks to kick the habit,
then I’d go tomorrow.
Yes, there are replacement products
to help with nicotine cravings, but
there are other habits that go with
smoking that are hard to break – the
ritual of it, the social aspect and so on.
I’m determined to stop after
a doctor told me I’d end up
with a lung condition called
COPD. It did frighten me, but
I just got into my car and lit
up! So what I’m saying is, it’s
an addiction and it’s hard to
break and your wife has to really want
to give up.
You’re right not to enable her – if she
wants cigarettes, she has to go out and
get them herself.
It is worth talking to her about the
options for quitting because some of
them do work for some people.
Hypnotherapy didn’t work for me, but
it was very effective for a friend of
mine. Vaping works for others because
it still has that ritualistic element of
“taking a cigarette break”. Patches did
work for me for nine months and then
I started smoking again, sadly.
I wonder if she’s considered the
financial aspect – I’m literally setting
fire to thousands of pounds every year.
That’s a couple of amazing holidays.
I hope your wife can give up, so keep
encouraging her and talking to her.
I had to reply to your
reader who has trouble
trusting people after a
difficult childhood (Dear
Coleen, July 17). I had a
similarly traumatic childhood
and I know it makes it much
harder to form relationships
in adulthood.
The most important thing to
do is learn to love yourself
first. She might benefit from
psychoanalysis, which is a
deep and often long-term
process, but it’s not for
everyone. Alternatively, her
GP maybe able to refer her for
some form of counselling.
I hope she finds the help
she needs.
Valerie Brennan
via email
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