168 Biography of a Yogiaffection from the first hour to this, do you realize that once only, on the
day of meeting, have you ever said, “I love you”?^32When Sri Yukteswar, albeit after some initial reluctance, declares to Yogananda
his love for a student who has been nothing less than a son, Yogananda confides:
I felt a weight lift from my heart, dissolved forever at his words. Often
had I wondered at his silence. Realizing that he was unemotional and self-
contained, yet sometimes I feared I had been unsuccessful in fully satisfy-
ing him. His was a strange nature, never utterly to be known; a nature
deep and still, unfathomable to the outer world, whose values he had long
transcended.^33The passage perhaps tempts a psychoanalytical interpretation, but such a read-
ing would oversimplify the import of Yogananda’s feelings toward Sri Yukteswar.
Yogananda’s relationship with his actual father comes across as rather more
straightforward. After the tragic and early loss of his mother, Yogananda remarks
that his father’s affectionate nature blossomed and the man effectively fulfilled
the roles of both parents. No love was thenceforth withheld. Yogananda’s need
for Sri Yukteswar’s approval, however, is colored not only by the familial affection
shared by the two men but also by Sri Yukteswar’s spiritual authority and gravitas.
Although Yogananda never states it outright, one imagines that his return to his
guru after a full fifteen years must have brought along with it no small amount
of anxiety. Even discounting the possibility that Yogananda may have had any
doubts or regrets concerning his actions while abroad, he must surely have felt
the weight of his mission before the eyes of his teacher. In another sense, this
revelation of emotional anxiety serves to foreshadow the even greater uncertainty
to come.
When only a few days later Sri Yukteswar divulges to Yogananda that his work
on earth is coming to a close and that it is up to Yogananda to carry on, the latter
responds with fear and subsequent denial. Despite Sri Yukteswar’s fairly explicit
statements, Yogananda observes only his robust appearance, stating : “Basking
day by day in the sunshine of my guru’s love, unspoken but keenly felt, I ban-
ished from my conscious mind the various hints he had given of his approach-
ing passing.”^34 Even as arrangements are made for the survival of Sri Yukteswar’s
estate and ashram, Yogananda begs him not to suggest that time may be in short
supply. Suddenly he is struck with the conviction to attend the approaching
Kumbha Mela in the hope of meeting the immortal Babaji. Willfully ignoring
Sri Yukteswar’s reluctance to have him depart, even when he plainly states that
Babaji is unlikely to appear at the festival, Yogananda chooses to chase after a