Superstition is the key. Find three live rhubarb plants, a number 2 pencil, a
proctor, and a college brochure. On the last full moon before the test, boil all of
these together in a Teflon cauldron; simmer until golden brown. Chant the
following:
“O great Up Your Score lords, give me the strength to defeat the College
Board! I am the Gatekeeper, and I will do as you command!”
If a black cat crosses your path, stab a mirror with a silver dagger.
The clothes you wear on the test day are very important: If the test is on a
rainy day, wear a raincoat. However, if the test is on a day when the Red Sox are
playing at home, wear two pairs of socks. If there has been an earthquake during
the past week anywhere in Canada, make sure you wear a blindfold during the
test (you can take it off during the breaks). Follow these rules, and you are
destined to score well.
- SAMANTHA’S METHOD: BE FOCUSED.
Beginning three months prior to the test, limit your diet to only number two
pencils and broccolini. Two months before the test, summon all proctors within a
ninety-mile radius to your backyard to play Go Fish. A month before the test,
lock yourself in the janitorial closet of your testing center. Write your requests
for food and water only in sequences of small, filled-in bubbles. Stare at this
book for nineteen hours per day, and spend the other five hours discussing essay
topics with the cleaning supplies. A day before the test, begin standing on your
head to make all blood flow to your brain and strengthen its logical power.
Either your head will explode, or you will ace the SAT. It’s a risk worth taking.
- LARRY, MANEK, PAUL, MICHAEL, AND SAMANTHA’S METHOD: BE TOGETHER.