Yoga Journal USA – June 2017

(Barré) #1
THE FIRST TIME I VIVIDLY REMEMBER feel-
ing ashamed of my body, I was 1 2 years
old and at a weight-loss meeting with
my mother (who had never weighed
more than 1 oo pounds in her life),
anxiously awaiting my turn for a
weigh-in. It finally came, and I held
my breath as I stepped delicately
onto the scale. I had lost a pound and
a half! Vindication! But as I turned
to leave, still beaming, I saw an unex-
pected, out-of-place face: my sixth-
grade math teacher. I felt a wave of
heat wash over me, along with the
strong desire to run away. It was
humiliating enough being the young-
est person at the meeting by a
decade—even two or three. But being
“found out” by someone I would have
to face in school on Monday was too
much to bear. I felt numb and dis-
gusted with myself.
It took me decades to untangle from
the shame I felt about my size. Like so
many people, my parents were brought
up to value thinness, and they passed
that on to me. While trying to cajole
me into losing weight, they reverted to

stories of how fat people had difficult
lives. And they were right about that
in one regard, though maybe not how
they’d intended: Fat discrimination is
alive and well.
As I moved through high school and
college and tried diet after diet (65 in
total), I also started yoga. Someone
had recommended it as a remedy for
my chronic migraines, and I felt I had
nothing to lose. I loved it. It was the
first time I’d tried a movement practice
for reasons other than weight loss.
I didn’t have to constantly think about
how many calories I was burning, so
I kept coming back. But still I stayed at
the back of the room, trying to be small.
Then in my mid-2os, something
unimaginable happened. During an
afternoon class, it was just me and the
teacher, so I pulled my mat to the mid-
dle of the room for the first time ever.
And then 1 o members of the local uni-
versity women’s soccer team came
through the door, late for class. I con-
sidered an escape route, but there was
none. There I was, trying to keep my
belly from popping out of my shirt and
pretending that I had the confidence to
pull off the tight workout clothing I was
wearing. And there they were, svelte
and toned, looking like workout clothes
were made for them. I was furious at
how easy they were going to find yoga.
Except they didn’t. Turns out they
were thin and fit, but not flexible and
coordinated in the ways yoga asks you
to be. We started to practice one of my
favorite poses—a Wide-Legged Stand-
ing Forward Bend—when I heard my
teacher say, “See what Anna is doing
over there? Do it like that.” I’m not sure

I’ve ever had a prouder moment in my
life. Someone was shining the spotlight
on me for showing up in my body, this
body, and doing my thing. This showed
me some critical things: that I was
capable of being present in my body
and responding to it, that being con-
nected to and not hating my body was
possible, and that yoga was playing
a big part in helping me get there.
My work with body acceptance
started almost a decade after my first
yoga class. But yoga had been laying
the path the whole time, asking me to
feel what was going on in my body in
the present moment. I was catching
regular glimpses of what a positive
relationship with my body could look
like. Yoga and body acceptance were
working hand in hand to help me shift
my story from one of Me versus My
Body to a friendly, conversational rela-
tionship with my body. It was a dra-
matic shift from the thoughts I’d had
for decades, like “I hate myself” or
“I’d be better off dead.” For so long,
I had equated weight loss with happi-
ness. I began to wonder if that was
actually true. And what if I could just
start being happy right now?
Accepting your body doesn’t start
only with your mind. It also starts with
your body, with something as simple
as feeling your feet on the floor or your
bum on a chair. Once you shift into
a body-led place, your body can guide
you toward lasting change. Then, the
magic is in being at peace with your-
self, no matter your size.
SEE GUEST-JELLEY’S PRACTICE TIPS
FOR BIGGER BODIES ON PAGE 72.

ANNA


GUEST-JELLEY
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE

47


june 2017

yogajournal.com

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