THE FIRST TIME I VIVIDLY REMEMBER feel-

ing ashamed of my body, I was 1 2 years

old and at a weight-loss meeting with

my mother (who had never weighed

more than 1 oo pounds in her life),

anxiously awaiting my turn for a

weigh-in. It finally came, and I held

my breath as I stepped delicately

onto the scale. I had lost a pound and

a half! Vindication! But as I turned

to leave, still beaming, I saw an unex-

pected, out-of-place face: my sixth-

grade math teacher. I felt a wave of

heat wash over me, along with the

strong desire to run away. It was

humiliating enough being the young-

est person at the meeting by a

decade—even two or three. But being

“found out” by someone I would have

to face in school on Monday was too

much to bear. I felt numb and dis-

gusted with myself.

It took me decades to untangle from

the shame I felt about my size. Like so

many people, my parents were brought

up to value thinness, and they passed

that on to me. While trying to cajole

me into losing weight, they reverted to

stories of how fat people had difficult

lives. And they were right about that

in one regard, though maybe not how

they’d intended: Fat discrimination is

alive and well.

As I moved through high school and

college and tried diet after diet (65 in

total), I also started yoga. Someone

had recommended it as a remedy for

my chronic migraines, and I felt I had

nothing to lose. I loved it. It was the

first time I’d tried a movement practice

for reasons other than weight loss.

I didn’t have to constantly think about

how many calories I was burning, so

I kept coming back. But still I stayed at

the back of the room, trying to be small.

Then in my mid-2os, something

unimaginable happened. During an

afternoon class, it was just me and the

teacher, so I pulled my mat to the mid-

dle of the room for the first time ever.

And then 1 o members of the local uni-

versity women’s soccer team came

through the door, late for class. I con-

sidered an escape route, but there was

none. There I was, trying to keep my

belly from popping out of my shirt and

pretending that I had the confidence to

pull off the tight workout clothing I was

wearing. And there they were, svelte

and toned, looking like workout clothes

were made for them. I was furious at

how easy they were going to find yoga.

Except they didn’t. Turns out they

were thin and fit, but not flexible and

coordinated in the ways yoga asks you

to be. We started to practice one of my

favorite poses—a Wide-Legged Stand-

ing Forward Bend—when I heard my

teacher say, “See what Anna is doing

over there? Do it like that.” I’m not sure

I’ve ever had a prouder moment in my

life. Someone was shining the spotlight

on me for showing up in my body, this

body, and doing my thing. This showed

me some critical things: that I was

capable of being present in my body

and responding to it, that being con-

nected to and not hating my body was

possible, and that yoga was playing

a big part in helping me get there.

My work with body acceptance

started almost a decade after my first

yoga class. But yoga had been laying

the path the whole time, asking me to

feel what was going on in my body in

the present moment. I was catching

regular glimpses of what a positive

relationship with my body could look

like. Yoga and body acceptance were

working hand in hand to help me shift

my story from one of Me versus My

Body to a friendly, conversational rela-

tionship with my body. It was a dra-

matic shift from the thoughts I’d had

for decades, like “I hate myself” or

“I’d be better off dead.” For so long,

I had equated weight loss with happi-

ness. I began to wonder if that was

actually true. And what if I could just

start being happy right now?

Accepting your body doesn’t start

only with your mind. It also starts with

your body, with something as simple

as feeling your feet on the floor or your

bum on a chair. Once you shift into

a body-led place, your body can guide

you toward lasting change. Then, the

magic is in being at peace with your-

self, no matter your size.

SEE GUEST-JELLEY’S PRACTICE TIPS

FOR BIGGER BODIES ON PAGE 72.

ANNA

GUEST-JELLEY

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE

47

june 2017

yogajournal.com

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