82 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
at the stage when he is or should be developing a strong identifi-
cation with his father and consolidating his own masculinity. In
fact, psychologists make the general point that many young boys
in this situation are likely to blame their mothers when things go
wrong. Some of these boys will exhibit fairly aggressive behavior
and may refuse to do household chores or schoolwork.
Young boys seem to be having a pretty tough time of it in gen-
eral these days and a divorce occurring right in the middle of their
maturation process probably doesn’t help. A number of recent
findings are red flags that tend to foster the collective “boys are
in trouble” alarmist concerns. No one seems to deny that girls
are academically superior as a group. More boys than girls are in
special education classes. Boys don’t read as well as girls. Addi-
tionally, far more boys than girls are prescribed mood-managing
drugs. More boys than girls drop out of high school.
Other indices abound which seem to show that boys are stum-
bling ever further behind their female counterparts. A smaller
number of boys than girls take the SAT. Fewer boys than girls
apply to college. Thus, fewer boys than girls are earning college
degrees nowadays.
Monitors of the “boy crisis” contend that they are not just slip-
ping through the cracks only in the area of academics. In many
ways, it appears that families, schools and popular culture are
all failing our boys, leaving them restless bundles of angst-filled
malcontents in the classroom and video-game junkies at home.
Two extreme examples seem to convey this point: It is not girls
who are shooting up classrooms—it is boys. And sadly, boys are
at least five times as likely as girls to die by suicide.
One way our society might try to pull its young boys out of this
seemingly downward spiral would be to take a strong interest in
them before they get into trouble. Boys seem to experience a strong
and growing need for their fathers during adolescence, and for
the sons of divorcing parents this need seems particularly intense.
Perhaps the most powerful need for any adolescent male at this
time is for a strong relationship with his dad, which can give him
confidence to loosen the Oedipal ties with his mom.
As young men, these sons of divorce seem to be awkward with
women and tend to shy away from dating. In fact, they are some-