84 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
total rebellion and self-destruction, to immersion in sex, drugs,
and rock ’n’ roll—all in an effort to “not be like mom” and hence
run the risk of facing her same fate. Alternatively, another mani-
festation can be an almost phobic desire for commitment, which
can, in turn, result in an early or rushed marriage in an effort to
avoid ever having to face being alone.
Not surprisingly, daughters whose fathers have left their moth-
ers are often plagued by an intense fear of being rejected them-
selves. They can develop a severe terror of being alone or without
a man. They can use whatever means they have at their disposal
to try to increase the likelihood that guys will love rather than
leave them.
One of the seemingly most effective methods girls have at
their disposal (insofar as insuring their continued attractive-
ness to men) is to become extremely promiscuous in their sexual
activities—often at a very early age. These girls may mistakenly
separate out their desire to have “a relationship” (i.e., any rela-
tionship) from any expectation of real love. This phenomenon
can be compounded if the divorce occurs while the young girl is
undergoing her own adolescence and trying to sort out her own
rapidly burgeoning sexuality.
Many young women from divorced families seem to live with
an inordinately high level of anxiety about impending betrayal
in their own romantic relationships. This can take the form of
fear of getting initially involved, a fear of commitment, or even
of extreme jealousy.
Girls who fear betrayal may find adaptive ways to cope. Some
take multiple lovers simultaneously as insurance. Others seek
out older men who are ostensibly less likely to betray a younger
woman. (Another aspect of this particular motivation to get
involved with an older man may be the young woman’s psycho-
logical search for a parent figure.)
Young girls, while perhaps appearing initially to handle divorce
better than boys, seem to have a later resurgence of psycholog ical
problems. These may well be related to the effect of the divorce on
their development. The signs can manifest themselves fairly trau-
matically when the young girl hits her late teens or early twenties
and finds herself facing a phobia about commitment. Some over-