Kids in Crisis 87
other physical and emotional responsibilities around the house.
(Not the least of these is trying to stay supportive of their remain-
ing parent.) Children in this age group seem to be the most will-
ing to place blame when their family faces a divorce—since they
have a much clearer sense of what they are about to lose.
Kids from the ages of about nine or ten, and continuing into
their early teens, seem to be the most prone to taking sides in their
parents’ divorce. They can become outraged in their condemna-
tion of the parent whom they view as having initiated the divorce.
They may have zero tolerance of that parent’s new relationship(s)
and be more than willing to serve as spies in obtaining informa-
tion about one parent’s activities on behalf of the other. Neither
are they shy about scolding the one parent who, in their view,
jeopardized the continuity of their childhood. This is not neces-
sarily a short-lived phenomenon. I have seen kids carry these
sorts of grudges against their parents for literally years.
I once watched a jilted wife and her children become allies in
an ongoing battle against the departing husband that continued
for several years. A tragic aspect of these situations is the way a
child may be thoroughly brainwashed and used as an instrument
of revenge by a disgruntled parent. One of the saddest things
we divorce lawyers see is such attempts to punish the ex via the
children.
Mini adults. Children of nine, ten or eleven who might nor-
mally warrant a few more years of babysitters and supervision
are often placed on a fast track to ostensible maturity. They are
frequently left alone at home without adult supervision, watch-
ing TV, playing video games, and microwaving frozen food.
Meanwhile, mom struggles to get her life back on track, to reen-
ter the job market after a ten-year or so hiatus, and to handle her
own very difficult time and organizational demands. Amazingly
enough, many of the kids seem to be able to pull it off. One hears
of the role reversal, where the child becomes the parent—trying
to stay supportive of their mom or pop, who remains emotion-
ally vulnerable.
When I watch such superkids emerge following their parents’
divorce, I am amazed and impressed by their seeming ability to
handle all this. But I can’t help but wonder what price is being