88 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
paid in terms of their sacrifice of their own development along a
normal childhood track.
Adolescence
Adolescence is perhaps nature’s way of preparing parents to welcome the
empty nest.
—Karen Savage and Patrick Adams
Adolescence is generally recognized as being the single most
difficult child-developmental stage for parents to handle. This
is equally true whether a divorce is occurring, or if the family is
intact and darn near picture perfect. The adolescent is in transi-
tion between childhood and adulthood. This period is character-
ized by an alternating tearing down, and then rebuilding, of the
child’s own equilibrium. Thus, a child progresses toward adult-
hood in something of a back-and-fill fashion.
This transition does not move in a straight line, nor does it
always move forward. Instead, it progresses three steps forward
and then takes two steps back. This is what makes the adolescent
so puzzling to the adult. In essence, the adolescent is not one
person, but two.
Adolescent angst. Successfully guiding a child through adoles-
cence is probably one of the trickiest jobs a parent can have, even
in the best of times. Children during this stage are continually
seesawing back and forth between trying to “find themselves”
(to develop their own egos and personas), while at the same time
being plagued by self-doubt as they question themselves and
their surroundings.
During the early adolescent phase (between years thirteen to
approximately sixteen), the child is anxiously trying to establish
an identity in the context of his or her family structure and rap-
idly blossoming teenage peer group. Adolescent girls, in partic-
ular, seem to have an especially difficult time handling all the
changes that seem to be coming at them so fast—not to mention
the kicker that occurs when all this combines with a rapid physi-
cal and sexual development.
Kids going through adolescence seem to subconsciously under-
stand that they have to make a break from their family and other