Kids in Crisis 89
traditional support systems in order to emerge with their own
sense of themselves. This helps to explain their tendency toward
rebelliousness at this stage. Yet, at the same time, they are also
having difficulty coping with their own sense of confusion and
insecurity. A divorce that occurs just when the parties’ children
are undergoing their topsy-turvy adolescent stage is probably the
most difficult to handle for both the parents and the kids. If one
of the kids is a teenage girl, then it may well be the toughest sce-
nario of all.
I always find it somewhat surprising and ironic (especially
given the average adolescent’s “stay cool, rebellious, and blasé-
at-all-costs” mentality) that of all the periods when a strong and
reliable family structure is important to kids, adolescence may be
the most crucial. This is the stage when kids are intent on testing
the limits of what is right or wrong, their own sexuality, and their
urge to experiment.
Teens on a tightrope. Peer pressures are also pushed to the max
during this period. Kids want, and need, to rebel at this juncture,
but they also simultaneously need the safe haven of a family to
fall back on and to help define the limits of their own evolving
behavior. Think of a kid on a tightrope or trapeze, but with a siz-
able and secure familial safety net to fall back on.
When analyzed in this manner, it really isn’t all that surprising
that adolescence is perhaps the most difficult period of all for the
kids of divorce. This is especially so for those who have the mis-
fortune to be entering the throes of their own adolescence just as
their parents are entering the throes of their divorce. It is during
the adolescent and young adulthood periods that one’s relation-
ship with the opposite sex becomes the central focus of devel-
opment. The unfortunate factor that plagues the kids of divorce
during this period is that this is exactly the wrong time for them
to be lacking an appropriate role model. These kids need personal
examples of enduring, successful, positive, and caring relation-
ships between men and women at this stage. It is a hell of a time
to instead be watching their parents’ marriage blow up.
Who am I? The developmental task of the adolescent is to form
a new selfhood, a new ego identity separate from his or her par-
ents. The teenager is trying to answer the question, “Who am I?”