90 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
During early adolescence (ages thirteen to sixteen), teens seek the
answer to this question within the realm of their families. They
often go about it in a rather rebellious way. Toward the end of
adolescence (about ages sixteen to twenty), kids seek to answer
this question vis-à-vis the larger arena of their society. The fact
that adolescents are already living on something of a perpetual
seesaw is what makes them so vulnerable to the stress of a family
breakup. Again, it is the adolescent girls in particular who often
have the most severe problems dealing with these changes.
Rebel, Rebel! One characteristic hallmark of adolescent behavior
is rebellion against parents. Although this is a difficult period for
parents to endure, there seems to be no question, developmentally
speaking, that this is a stage that kids need to undergo. Unfortu-
nately, the act of rebellion against parents in a firmly established
nuclear family (wherein a child can intermittently rebel for a bit,
but then fall back to the safety of the family unit) turns into a
dramatically different process in a single-parent household. In a
divorcing family, the child’s reaction may be to manifest his or her
rebellion differently, or even to hold back on the normal rebellious-
ness process altogether. Either way, it is more difficult for the child
to move through the two tentative steps forward, followed by one
quick step back, “safety net” style of rebellion that I described ear-
lier and that typifies a normal, healthy adolescence.
Adolescent children are by definition going through a stage
in which they feel more sexually rebellious and aggressive. This
is the crux of the adolescent period, and it is characterized by a
period of extensive experimentation with new stimuli across the
board. Acceptance by peers is everything.
Conversely, this is precisely the period when strong parental
support and supervision are all the more crucial. Parents need to
set and enforce basic values and rules during this period. These in
turn serve as the springboard off which adolescent teens bounce,
and then turn back, all in an effort to further find themselves.
Even in the best of times, this is a tricky and precarious period,
developmentally speaking. A divorce coming at this juncture can
threaten the entire process, which essentially centers on break-
ing free of the parents and family, while at the same time feeling
firmly grounded and secure within the family.