96 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
According to this school of thought, when it comes to disci-
pline it is the combination of mother and father that yields jus-
tice tempered by mercy. Whereas mothers tend to discipline chil-
dren on a moment-by-moment basis, fathers discipline more by
set rules. Kids learn from their moms how to be in touch with
their emotional sides. From their dads, they learn how to live as
members of society. Thus, one major shift we are now witnessing
in parenting styles and custody structuring is the dramatically
increased participation of fathers who want to stay an active par-
ent to their children.
Dads play a crucial role in shaping and influencing their chil-
dren’s sense of themselves, of their own sexuality, and of their
future career and personal goals. This holds true both for daugh-
ters as well as sons. Furthermore, this is a role that the kids them-
selves are often quite anxious to have their fathers fill. Even in
situations where the dad is not around to perform these functions
on a regular basis (i.e., present only intermittently or perhaps not
at all), the desire for parental guidance in these areas is so strong
that the kids will fictionalize or fantasize a role for their fathers.
The bottom line is that the modern trend is to structure cus-
tody and visitation arrangements in such a way as to maintain
maximum contact with both parents. The section of this book on
child custody will discuss the specific legal doctrines such as joint
custody that have emerged to meet this concern. That portion will
also outline the mechanics of specific visitation schedules. My
intent in this section, however, is to focus on the actual impact of
the visitation arrangements on the kids themselves.
The vagaries of visitation. Many people do not realize just how
difficult it is to put a really workable visitation format into place.
First, there are obvious problematic issues involved in maintain-
ing a good visitation schedule, such as overcoming geographi-
cal separation, or arranging the physical logistics, or dealing with
financial expenses. Then there is the nature of the individual visits
themselves, and just how complicated and strained they can be.
Drive-by visits on mom’s turf can be extremely frustrating. So
can a forced march of the children over to spend an excruciating
weekend with dad and his new wicked-stepmother wife. (Mean-
while, this new wife is herself jealous of the time, attention, and