144 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
your precise plan for implementing it. Your plan should include
a description of how you intend to physically allocate the
child(ren)’s time, residence, and actual living situation to approx-
imately one-half for each parent.
Court-ordered custody. If you and your spouse cannot agree on
custody, the court makes the decision. Contrary to a widely held
(but fallacious) belief, the court does not automatically give child
custody to the mother. Instead, the court must decide which par-
ent will serve the best interests of the children. “What is in the
child’s best interest?” is the question asked by the law, judges,
and most parents. This is also the question you and your spouse
should ask.
Changing custody. If you later decide the custody arrangements
you agreed to are not in the best interests of your children, you
can ask the court to make changes. All orders concerning child
custody, visitation, and support are subject to modification based
upon a “change in circumstances.” Hearings may be held and
the court may, or may not, approve your request. This request
can be initiated by either party at any time while the child is still
a minor.
Joint Custody
The two things children wear out are clothes and parents.
—Anonymous
Since the 1980s, joint custody has become increasingly popular,
with both parents jointly deciding on major issues regarding their
children. This can entail either joint legal or joint physical cus-
tody—or both the elements of custody can be structured jointly.
As noted earlier, differentiating between joint and sole or legal
and physical custody can be a slippery concept.
Joint Legal Custody
The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children
produce adults.
—Peter De Vries