166 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
• Develop a code word with your children, neighbors, and
friends that lets them know that you need to get out now.
• Let your children’s teachers and school principals know
enough about your situation to respond supportively in a
crisis situation. Ask them not to release the children to their
father should you report to them that you are about to leave
home.
• Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, the garage, in the
kitchen, near weapons, or near any other place where there
are sharp or heavy objects.
• Do not try to fight back if he seems to be building up, espe-
cially if he is drunk or on drugs. Instead, get out of the house
immediately.
• If he seems to be building up and you can’t leave safely, keep
your back toward open space, not a corner.
• If you do leave, always bring your children with you.
• Call the police at 911 to report any incident of violence.
• Always remember: YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HIT.The cops and the courts respond. Faced with this spouse abuse
spiral, government and law enforcement agencies have now done
a total turn-around in their response to spousal violence com-
plaints. Only a few short years ago, the average cop’s predictable
response to a domestic quarrel was to go out to the parties’ resi-
dence and tell the squabbling couple, “Now please, both of you,
just calm down.” Then he would get back into his squad car and
drive away.
Now, if the responding officers see any evidence of physical
violence, they must make a mandatory arrest. Furthermore, this
remains true even if things have calmed down a bit and the wife
tries to retract her initial story.
The legal situation nowadays is that an abuser will likely be
going to jail. Increasingly, prosecuting attorneys are not allowed
to settle or dismiss any of these domestic abuse charges, nor to
make plea bargains. Governmental policy now dictates that abuse
cases go all the way to trial. Mandatory jail sentences then follow
any convictions.