196 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
a minimum of at least one year seems to be required before even
the strongest people can successfully stage a rebound.
Most of the clients I encounter during the years following their
divorce tell me they felt their divorce “had to happen” and that it
was indeed “for the best.” One particular group that consistently
seems to come away feeling very positive about their divorce expe-
rience is men in their mid-thirties to mid-forties age range. These
guys are often well established in terms of their careers, their
finances, and the self-esteem. Young women whose divorces occur
between their mid-twenties and mid-thirties are another group
who seem to fare fairly well. Guys and gals at these stages also
seem particularly prone to having successful second marriages.
Staying single. Those folks, however (both men and women),
who stay single following their initial divorce (i.e., either never
remarry, or do remarry but then redivorce) tend to be far less
happy about their lives over time. Again, things may be a bit
easier for a man in this situation. The fact that at least his job,
his social and financial status, and contacts within his workplace
remain relatively consistent following a divorce enables him to
keep a major part of his life fairly stable.
This sort of stability, however, is a luxury that is generally not
afforded most women (especially older women) in the period fol-
lowing their divorce. Instead, women often face more forced flux
in their lives following divorce. This can be scary, but it can also
serve as a major catalyst for change in their lives. Many of my
female clients have changed so dramatically in their post-divorce
years that they are completely different people—and most of
them say that they feel very positive about these changes.
The age factor. In general, men seem to be somewhat better able
to insulate themselves from the cataclysmic changes that follow
divorce than do women. Not all men emerge smelling rosy, how-
ever. Unlike the successful middle-aged men who can readily and
happily remarry, older men who are in their late forties or fifties
at the time of the divorce, and who fail to remarry thereafter,
often paint a fairly miserable picture of unshakable isolation and
unhappiness. Meanwhile, although the statistical odds are rather
bleak for older women to remarry, they do at least seem to have
more of an inclination and opportunity to rebuild their networks