202 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
Redivorce rates. It remains a depressing statistical fact that the
redivorce rate for people who have been previously divorced and
remarried is significantly higher than the divorce rate for people
in first marriages. Even more depressing is the fact that with each
remarriage, the risk of redivorce increases. According to a recent
statistical analysis compiled by professor Mavis Hetherington, in
her excellent book For Better or For Worse—Divorce Reconsidered,
whereas 45 percent of first marriages end in divorce, those odds
rise to 65 percent for second marriages and 85 percent for third
marriages. Finally, the redivorce rate appears to be slightly higher
for men than for women.
Children can be the make-or-break issue for many second (or
third) marriages. Remarried couples cite children as the number
one source of marital stress and tension. The divorce rate is 50
percent higher in remarriages that include stepchildren than in
those without.
A successful remarriage should be built on the foundation
of a successful psychological divorce. One problem I have wit-
nessed repeatedly is that many people enter a second marriage
before they have had time to truly recover psychologically from
the demise of their first. This may unfortunately leave one pro-
grammed to repeat the patterns and mistakes of the past. Another
trend I have observed over the years is that when my clients do
get remarried, they often keep remarrying various versions of
their former mates. People tend to bring their same old emotional
habits and baggage directly into their new relationships. People
marry on the rebound, they marry to save face, to be secure, to
ease their pain, or to erase the past. Perhaps most common is a
remarriage intended to provide financial security.
Probably none of these somewhat short-sighted “raisons de
remarriage,” however, is really the right foundation for a successful
remarriage. Instead, what seems to distinguish successful remar-
riages are the basic themes of equality, communication, sharing,
and closeness—all combined with a heightened level of respect for
each other’s individuality. Divorce veterans often learn how to bet-
ter share the various aspects of their lives with their new mate.
Sex and the second marriage. Physical chemistry, including sexual
energy and compatibility, also seem to play a more vital part in