212 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
along and tries to assume the role of substitute dad or disciplinar-
ian in place of the natural father will likely find that he has entered
onto the stage of the child’s life at exactly the wrong juncture of the
ongoing drama that comprises an adolescent child’s life.
Stepfathers suck! Stepfathers have an especially tough row to
hoe. Perhaps the single most difficult quasi-parental role to fill is
that of a stepfather to an adolescent boy. The best the stepdad can
do in this situation is to try to be a low-key friend or maybe a men-
tor to the boy. The worst mistake is to move too readily to shoulder
the role of disciplinarian to a child who is by no means willing to
accept his authority. This can be compounded when mom, eager
to keep the new marriage together, errs on the side of supporting
the new husband in any conflict between him and the children.
This has the makings of a very frustrating and potentially disas-
trous combination. About the only hope a stepfather has of put-
ting a remotely positive spin on this situation is if he can somehow
manage to develop an avenue of relating to the children that is
totally independent from his relationship to their mother, thereby
indicating that he really likes the kids on their own merits.
I had the dubious distinction of occupying this role as a stepdad
to my wife’s son by her first marriage. He lived with me from age
eight to eighteen and I can tell you from firsthand experience that
this is a rather exhausting exercise in human relations. Although I
knocked myself out trying to be the absolute best stepdad I could
to that boy, I never for one minute believed that he ever really
even remotely appreciated all that I did for him.
Being a stepfather can also, of course, be quite rewarding and
work out really well, but that seems to be a decidedly less fre-
quent result. In any event, I certainly wish the very best of luck
to any stepdad who finds himself in this position.
A more mellow situation for stepmoms. The situation for step-
mothers is generally somewhat less strained. For starters, fewer
children wind up living with their dads as custodial parents fol-
lowing a divorce. Most go with their moms. An obvious result of
this situation is that fewer kids actually end up physically living
full time with a stepmother. This is in contrast with the vast num-
ber of kids who live with stepfathers while in the custody of their
remarried mothers. Thus, the stepmother often plays a far more