Life after Divorce 213
tangential, less crucial, and hence less threatening role in the lives
and development of the children.
Given the limited parenting role of most stepmothers, it is
not surprising that far fewer of them ever grow quite as close
to the children as do stepfathers. In general, stepmothers seem
to get more of the benefit of the doubt since they are often sim-
ply viewed as a reasonably pleasant adjunct to dad and his new
life. One problem: a woman’s maternal instincts may push her to
try to meddle and bond more than she probably should, thereby
fostering more resentment. Overall, however, it is probably a less
risky, although perhaps less rewarding, role.
In-laws and extended families. A major part of entering into any
marriage is getting to know your spouse’s family. During the sec-
ond time around, the task is usually much more complex: step-
children, ex-in-laws, former spouses, and interim lovers, all get
mixed in along with blood parents and siblings. For many peo-
ple, one of the most difficult and explosive areas in remarriage
(and one of the larger causes of redivorce) involves relations with
each other’s children. It’s truly a package deal.
Relations between Former Spouses
Marriage isn’t a word—it’s a sentence.
—King Vidor
A number of studies show that no matter how bad the prior rela-
tionship was, most people feel a persistent attachment to their for-
mer spouse and past marriage. In a well-known study on the newly
separated, conducted by Drs. Bloom and Hodges at the Univer-
sity of Colorado, half of those folks who had been separated less
than six months reported that they still wanted to spend time
with their estranged spouses. Some 45 percent discussed recon-
ciliation at some point during the separation period. Interestingly
enough, warm and fuzzy feelings and discussions of getting back
together occurred more frequently among spouses without chil-
dren than among those who were parents.
I still love you, but let’s divorce. A significant number of couples
do in fact get back together. Some people get divorced and remarry