218 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
Confucius say: “Time of change = time of opportunity.” There is no
question that divorce represents a major turning point for both
men and women. It forces them to ask soul-searching personal
questions about who they are and want to be, what their values
are and ought to be. They spend time pondering how they can
lead a more full or enriched life or engage in a more meaningful
relationship in the future.
On the positive side, as brutal as divorce can be, there is no
question but that it offers people cathartic second chances to start
over, to embark on a new beginning, and to literally rebuild their
lives. For a divorce lawyer, this can be a tremendously important
juncture to perform a constructive service for your clients—to be
intimately involved in working to help them try and get on with
their lives.
As the lawyer for people in this position, I feel I have the oppor-
tunity to do some good for many of my clients if I can success-
fully assist them through this crucial stage. (Frankly, in our mod-
ern over-litigious culture, it’s not all that often that a lawyer gets
the opportunity to feel that they are really doing much good any
more.) Divorce can be a springboard for tremendous psychologi-
cal and personal growth, as well as for some major social and eco-
nomic changes. I have seen some of my former clients truly soar
during this period. Unfortunately, however, many others become
truly “sore” as they suffer the personal, psychic, and economic
deterioration that can accompany this process.
Men
A man in love is incomplete until he has married—then he’s finished.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
A few years back I received a letter from Asa Baber, a well-known
journalist who wrote the “Men” column for Playboy magazine.
In his letter, Mr. Baber enclosed a copy of an article he had writ-
ten about the hazards of being a male in divorce court. In that
article he outlined his perception of the typical male’s experience
of divorce: “If he sued for custody of his children, 96 percent of
the time he would lose; he could count on paying his ex-wife’s