Conclusions, Predictions, and Prognostications 233
Clinical psychologist Dr. Robert Kirsch puts it this way: “Divorce
often forces people to grow up. You get over your divorce by con-
firming the kind of relationship there was in the marriage. You
realize there ain’t any victims. You recognize your own complic-
ity in the breakup. Then you learn how to carry on a relationship
that works. You can’t do this intellectually; you learn through
experience.”
Despite the obvious pain of divorce, it is possible to derive
a sense of hope and opportunity in the years following one’s
divorce. The vast bulk of my former clients have managed to
somehow adjust to their divorces and to re-establish themselves
in fulfilling new lives. The bad news is that, in my experience,
the minimum recovery time for either party (even the initiator)
to get over the emotional and logistical upheaval of divorce is at
least one year. The good news, however, is that most folks (even
the divorce resisters) seem to have gotten pretty much back onto
an even keel within two or three years. During this time, most
folks come to view their separation and divorce as a traumatic but
necessary transition in their lives, during which they were forced
to learn a great deal about themselves, their emotions and their
needs, in order to survive.
The fault factor. Many social critics today (particularly those who
are of a more conservative or moralistic bent) feel strongly that
it is terrible public policy to allow no-fault divorces to be so easy
to obtain. They further feel that the trend toward equitable prop-
erty settlements, wherein each party is allocated roughly one-half
of the property regardless of who is “at fault,” is a mistake that
results in a dramatically economically disadvantaged underclass
of divorced women and their dependent children. These critics
contend that: (1) we should return to the fault system of divorce;
(2) divorces should require a lengthier processing time that would
make them more difficult to obtain; and (3) divorce settlements
ought to be made more punitively expensive financially for those
initiators who “caused the divorce.”
Slow down, you move too fast. A key argument made by those
who seek a more conservative reformation of our divorce system
is that the entire process is allowed to progress too fast. They
would rather see the whole procedure delayed and made more