10 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
Sigmund Freud flatly declared that “marriage is not an arrange-
ment calculated to satisfy a man’s sexuality.”
Are we fighting our own anthropology? Evolutionary psychology
can provide further insights as to just how inhospitable Amer-
ica’s current social environment is to monogamy. An article
titled “Our Cheating Hearts” in Time took a close look at some
modern obstacles to monogamy. Among its findings: (1) Infi-
delity is far easier in a large, anonymous city than in a small
hunter-gatherer village; (2) contraceptive technology certainly
complicates marriage; (3) for many males, the prevalence of erotic
and/or suggestive photography and pornography are alluring
alternatives to dull, monogamous devotion; and (4) economic
inequality between men and women can be monogamy’s worst
enemy—affluent men are inclined to leave their aging wives
for younger (and often less affluent) women who are willing to
become their replacements.
One of my favorite quotes about the pressures and perhaps
unrealistic expectations placed on a modern American marriage
comes from the always insightful Time magazine columnist Bar-
bara Ehrenreich, who writes:
Consider that marriage probably originated as a straightforward
food-for-sex deal among foraging primates. Compatibility was not a
big issue, nor of course was there any tension over who would con-
trol the remote. Today, however, a spouse is expected to be not only a co-
provider and mate, but a co-parent, financial partner, romantic love object,
best friend, fitness adviser, home repair–person and scintillating companion
through the wasteland of Sunday afternoons. This is, rationally speaking,
more than any one spouse can provide. Then came the modern urban-
industrial era, with the unprecedented notion of the “companionate
marriage.” Abruptly, the two sexes—who had gone for millenniums
without exchanging any more than the few grunts required for court-
ship—were expected to entertain each other with witty repartee over
dinner. American love of marriage is so gripping and deep that we
are almost incapable of the discreet, long-term, European-style affair.
(Emphasis added.)The simple fact is that Americans now live much longer, and
go through more transitions, than did our predecessors. We move