30 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
And note that e-mail has become especially dangerous in
this context. It’s become way too easy to spew out short and
snippy sentiments and then just hit “send.”
In fact, my personal recommendation is that you try to go
a step beyond just learning how to resolve conflicts effec-
tively, and instead get out of the habit of arguing and fight-
ing altogether. Now admittedly, there are two entirely differ-
ent schools of thought on this. One is the 1960’s “encounter
group” style of thinking that it’s “good to vent, to let it out,
to get it out of your system.” Sort of the “everybody needs a
catharsis” approach. But, I go a step further and recommend
trying to make it a point to never fight, period. Personally, I
tend to feel that avoiding major outbursts altogether may be
a far better approach.
I once attended a lecture given by a Chinese wahine pro-
fessor who quoted a great old Chinese axiom: “Think three
times before speaking.” She then contrasted that with the
seeming American habit of speaking three times before
thinking.
So, if you want to “stay the course” and keep your mar-
riage intact, you should always think in terms of resolving
conflicts, not winning fights. Marital fights have no winners,
only losers. Resolve conflicts rapidly when they happen. If
you don’t, unresolved conflicts from one stage of marital
development will fester and impede growth in future stages.
Remember, the longer a conflict goes unresolved, the more
corrosive it becomes.- Say I, not you. Sentences starting with “you” are by defini-
tion accusatory. “You did this” starts things off negatively.
But sentences starting with the word “I” have the opposite
effect: “I feel this way... ” These phrases help your partner
sympathize with how you feel. Be a good echo of your mate’s
statements and feelings. - Never say the word “divorce” just as a threat. Don’t even imply
it unless you are serious about proceeding with it. Other-
wise, it’s one of the most destructive things you can do to
your relationship. It weakens trust and creates fear about
the future.