The Dynamics of Divorce 37
things a day left unsaid.” She talks about smart spouses literally
having “teeth marks” on their tongues from having bitten them
to hold them, and she is quick to remind her clients that studies
have shown that it requires five positive interchanges to make up
for one negative one.
Wives call the emotional cadence. Many researchers agree that it is
typically the wife who takes primary responsibility for the emo-
tional status of the marriage. She is most often the one who takes
the lead in setting up the couple’s social and emotional agendas
and, she is usually the one who brings up the thorny issues that
need to be negotiated and resolved if the marriage is to succeed.
She is also the one who persists until the discussion ends in either
a satisfactory resolution or a screaming match.
It is when the wife gives up the role of emotional caretaker
and withdraws (typically after years of destructive conflict) that
many marriages hit rock bottom. “Once the woman gives up,
that’s when she’s likely to file for divorce or have an affair,” says
Markman.
As I mentioned earlier, perhaps the most prominent advocate
of this eye-opening assessment is Dr. John Gottman. He contends
that a husband’s failure to let his wife control things within the
marriage is the single biggest predictor of divorce.
Husbands (and men in general) are much more uncomfort-
able with open conflict in personal relationships. Thus they are
more likely to withdraw from a potential argument, either by
placating their wives or by stonewalling—becoming silent and
disengaged. Typical in this scenario is the husband who turns on
the television or walks out of the room. Markman has found that
consistent withdrawal or stonewalling by the husband is strongly
predictive of divorce.
Two incomes, one of them the wife’s. Two other key causal factors
related to divorce are the evolving and emerging roles of women
in our society, and the rise of the two-income family. Women are
now out there full on in the work place. In fact, for the first time
in history, one-third of working American women now rou-
tinely out-earn their husbands. These women have the added
stresses and strains of their own business days, they also have a