46 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
while growing up then turn around and incorporate abusive
behavior into their own later relationships.
Sex
Sex drive: a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
—Robert Byrne
I am still somewhat amazed (even after listening to literally hun-
dreds of clients describe it in excruciating detail) by the degree
of sexual starvation that seems to characterize many marriages
prior to a divorce. Some of these folks have been sleeping in sepa-
rate bedrooms for decades. It is hardly surprising then that the
California Children of Divorce Project discovered that more than
one-third of both men and women rank sexual deprivation as
the major cause of their breakup. A substantial percentage of the
couples involved in that study had not had sexual intercourse (at
least not with each other!) for three to five years.
The relative degree of importance that sex plays in any given
marriage will obviously vary from couple to couple. But, main-
taining at least some level of sexuality is probably a good idea
for any couple. After all, sex is a function of communication, and
sexual intimacy and communication are two key bonds that hold
marriages together. So couples are probably well advised to keep
their “sexuality quotient” as high as possible. Yet, an AMA study
in 1999 found that 43 percent of women and 39 percent of men
complained of dissatisfaction in the bedroom.
Since good sex is to some degree a skill that develops through
experience (requiring good communication and a sincere desire
to please your mate), both genders would be well advised to take
it seriously. Men, in particular, should understand and remember
the sexual studies I cited earlier which show that women gener-
ally take four to five times longer to reach arousal/orgasm than
do men (i.e., an average of eighteen to twenty-five minutes for
women versus four to five minutes for men). Be a little (or a lot)
more tender, guys.
Women seeking a healthy sex life may want to remember that
the best time to approach their man for sex may well be in the