The Dynamics of Divorce 51
Nor do affairs come cheap. Time magazine recently tallied the
average cost of a four-month extramarital affair (including get-
aways and gifts) at $20,639.00. Meanwhile, Time estimated the legal
fees for the average divorce filing at $5,025.00, thereby (I presume)
allowing their readers to make their own informed choices.
Many marriages were never entered into on a truly equal basis.
Instead, there may be an unspoken framework wherein one part-
ner is assumed to have the dominant and controlling role and the
other is generally the supportive and submissive partner. This is
often a basic theme that underlies the entire initial relationship.
In the event these roles start switching around as time goes on,
it is often by way of the formally submissive partner trying to
break out of his or her prior role as the underling. This often
occurs by way of deception on the part of the formerly submis-
sive partner—often through the act of undertaking an affair. The
dominant spouse, unable to accept this fact, enters a phase of
denial.
Many psychologists feel that a prolonged extramarital affair
is almost always an indicator of a conflicted marriage (although
some experts will allow that an occasional one-night stand or short-
term extramarital affair can sometimes be viewed as a harmless
transgression).
Oftentimes, a decision by one spouse to divorce or separate
comes as an outgrowth of a commitment already made to some
other third party. This is usually an indication that one party left
the marriage psychologically a long time ago.
Psychological Factors and Fallout
Success in life is more than finding the right person to marry. Being the right
person is even more important.
—Elos Nelson
The decision to divorce is perhaps the clearest indication imagin-
able of a clean break with the initiating party’s past and the start of
their emotional rebirth or rebuilding. Still, as author Abigail Tafford
clearly demonstrated when she chose the title Crazy Time: Surviving
Divorce for her landmark book on divorce, the experience brings