The Dynamics of Divorce 53
a divorce can be expected to last about one to two years. This is
then generally followed by what has been called the recovery
period, a stage that usually lasts three to five years; it’s essentially
the time when you rebuild your life. This is a gradual process
characterized by making new friends, perhaps physically relo-
cating, redefining your relationships with your children, taking
a fresh look at your job or career, etc. For many folks, a key part
of the recovery period is falling in love again or getting involved
in a new relationship. For others it is adding some new focus,
outside interest, or alternate track to their lives from which they
can derive a sense of satisfaction.
Periods of Promiscuity and Personal Sexual Revolutions
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble.
—John Barrymore
I have noticed that many of my clients seem to go through a
fairly intense period of sexual activity and experimentation in
the period surrounding their divorce. They sleep with a number
of different people, and for many of them (particularly those who
got married relatively young) this is apparently the first occasion
they have ever had the opportunity to engage in multiple sexual
encounters.
As we noted earlier, although the precise statistics are cloudy
(do you suppose anybody tells the truth in these surveys?), men
do generally seem more prone to engage in extramarital affairs
during their marriage. Another good example of this was high-
lighted in the California Children of Divorce Project study, which
indicated that over 70 percent of the men interviewed had sexual
affairs during their marriage as compared to less than 20 percent
of the women. It’s probably safe to infer from this that whereas
the average male has probably had more sexual experiences than
his wife by the time they split up, for many women (though by
no means all), getting divorced often signals the commencement
of a personal sexual revolution.
Over the years I’ve watched a number of recently separated
players be thrown back into the smorgasbord of the sexual