The Dynamics of Divorce 59
of Colorado study of one hundred and fifty-three recently sepa-
rated adults who were asking for divorce, the highest incidence
of stress-related symptoms (weight change, upset stomach,
nerves, headaches) had occurred during the six months before
the separation.
Different ages = different emotions. People in their thirties seem
to be in a crucial pivotal period insofar as just how hard they
are likely to be affected by the divorce process. Women who are
well into their thirties or older seem to take a dramatically harder
hit from divorce than do younger women. These women have
generally been married longer and have invested much more
of themselves into their marriages and families. They also have
older children to whom they have given their all, and it is gener-
ally much more difficult for them to focus on a new format for
their life that does not center almost entirely around their marital
identity.
Ironically, when divorce comes for a man in his late thirties
or older it presents an entirely different picture. These men are
often well established professionally and financially, and they
often also benefit from the fact that their children are already a
bit older—since this tends to be a plus for improving their visi-
tation, communication, and continuity with their kids even in a
noncustodial context.
Many clients have confided in me that the breakup of their
marriage caused them to question their entire personal value
system. They go on to point out that the level of anger inherent
in a divorce is compounded by the nature of the legal process
itself. It is certainly unfortunate that our country’s legal system
in general seems to encourage aggressive and adversarial behav-
ior. And especially in the context of divorce court, many clients
simply cannot resist the temptation to use the legal system as a
vehicle for venting hostile emotions.
Do divorce courts double the damage? To compound matters, the
timelines implemented in most family court systems is such that
most couples are put on a fast track toward legally completing
their divorce action within the first year or two following their
initial breakup. Unfortunately, this is the precise time frame dur-
ing which they are passing through the most angry and intense