The Dynamics of Divorce 69
in and last out. Men generally fall in love more quickly, more
easily and more viscerally (i.e., often based upon raw physical
attraction). Ironically, men may be more romantic (at least ini-
tially) than women—they just want to fall in love and be in love.
Women on the other hand have a lengthier and far more specific
set of criteria that they want to see met.
Married men from the ages of forty-five to sixty-four are twice
as likely to live ten years longer than their unmarried counter-
parts. Unmarried men in this age group are also twice as suscep-
tible to depression and even suicide. Fully 94% of men surveyed
said they would be happier married than single.
The happiest men (and presumably the ones most likely to be
most attractive to their mates) are those who move from devoting
most of their energy to competing and sexual conquest to devot-
ing more of their energy to finding emotional intimacy and trust,
and companionship and community with others. I see this as the
essential task for men in middle life: to move from competing to
connecting.
Moving from competing to connecting. Gail Sheehy has analyzed
this phenomenon in her iconic Passages book. She found that the
good news is that once men over fifty have made this admittedly
difficult transition, they seem to be pretty happy campers. They
indicate that they feel closer than ever before to their wives. Nearly
all have developed passions or hobbies that happily occupy and
challenge them outside their workday routines. Almost half of all
men in their mid-fifties describe themselves as being “pleased”
or “delighted” with the state of their lives as a whole. This was
not true in their mid-forties, when almost half went through a
depressive or “midlife crisis” period. As their power orientation
subsides in their fifties, the happiest men grow noticeably more
expressive and sensuous, more gregarious and likable. They’ve
cultivated their feminine sides and are more intuitive, too!
The point of this brief outline of the “life course trajectory” of
the modern male is to remind my guy readers of the qualities that
may make life easier for both themselves and their mates as they
age as gracefully as possible. These pointers are equally applica-
ble whether they are trying to hang onto an existing relationship
or hoping to make themselves more attractive for a new one.