76 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
their childhood, but only about 5 percent would have their par-
ents divorce. By the 1950s, however, only about 8 to 9 percent of
the children born during that decade would lose their parents to
death—whereas over 10 percent would see their parents divorce.
Historically, children have always experienced the disruption of
their parents’ marriages, but now the form of that disruption has
changed. Unfortunately, whereas the premature death of a parent
can present some potential for positive and accelerated growth
for a child (an adolescent boy taking over as the “man of the
house” for his deceased father, for example), there is little evi-
dence that this accelerated maturation is anywhere near as likely
to occur for the children of divorce.
For kids, divorce isn’t cool. As I have frequently reminded my
clients, they must realize that the entire experience of divorce is
a vastly different deal for their kids than it is for them. Frankly,
I can’t blame clients for thinking that since they feel the divorce
is basically good, encourages growth, or is liberating for them,
therefore it should somehow magically extend to including posi-
tive elements for their kids as well. Unfortunately, it does not
follow that an adult who feels liberated after a divorce will neces-
sarily become a better parent.
The sad irony is that the more happy and self-involved recently
divorced parents become with their own life, the less likely they
are to be fully available to their children. Furthermore, whereas
divorcing adults are usually at least somewhat aware of the prob-
lems within their relationship (and thus are rarely completely
surprised by a forthcoming divorce), the kids often have no clue.
For them, the element of surprise is total and dismaying.
Kids can often be quite happy and oblivious to their parents’
problems, even while mom and dad are in the midst of their deep-
est marital misery. Thus, it was not really surprising when Judith
Wallerstein found that only one in ten children in her study expe-
rienced any sense of relief upon their parents’ divorce. Instead,
the primary response of children to divorce is fear. They become
extremely fearful of being left on their own and feel very vulner-
able. It is almost as though they have an instinctive sense that
somehow their familial life-support system is being cut out from
underneath them.