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may/june 2018yogajournal.com.auYEARS AGO I developed a passionate relationship
with a fellow yoga instructor. I’ll call him Rick.
At first, I was shy and avoided Rick’s advances—
but I was also enamoured by the energy and
attention that he was lavishing on me. He was a
revered teacher, and he was interested in me. I
was hooked.
In class, Rick would often hover around my
mat, caressing my body sensually when he was
making “adjustments.” At first, I found it
flattering, but I didn’t have the confidence and
maturity to separate my youthful desire for
attention from my logical understanding of power
abuse. The connection turned me on, despite the
fact that I always left his yoga classes feeling empty
and confused.
Rick became increasingly sexual with me in
class, almost as if he didn’t care that other students
were there. When I was in Baddha Konasana
(Bound Angle Pose), his hands would slip to my
crotch; in Revolved Triangle, one hand caressed my
butt and the other was on my chest. My attraction
and excitement around him eventually morphed
into confusion and fear. Gradually when he made
these advances toward me, I froze and became very
awkward. Rick rolled his eyes and brushed me off,
doing his best to make me feel bad for my
reaction—shaming me for not responding in the
way he wanted me to. It became clear to to me that
conscious intimacy, mutual understanding, and my
consent to his groping were all missing.
One day, I decided I was done. Done with this
silent game of power and control. Done feeling
awkward around him when he’d shame me for not
accepting his advances. Done watching him take no
accountability for his actions. Before class that day,
I made it clear that I didn’t want him to touch
me—that I wasn’t interested anymore. Halfway
through that practice, while I was in Headstand at
the front of my mat, he pushed me over. Then he
threw my mat out the window and told me to leave.
With time and deep self-reflection, I have
found compassion in deeply meaningful ways.
I’m so grateful that we’re collectively having
these conversations now. Talking about past—
and present—inappropriate behaviour is part
of our practice today. The more all of us—
teachers, students, women, and men—can see
that, the more we’ll be able to co-create a clear
path forward.
Excerpted from Meaningful Coincidence: Synchronistic Stories of the
Soul by Alanna Zabel (AZIAM Books, 2017)
FOUNDER OF AZIAM
YOGA AND CREATOR
Alanna Zabel OF YOGA BARRE