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O
ur twenties are supposed
to be a decade of personal
growth, challenge and
exploration. A time when we
can be forgiven for making
mistakes before we are ‘old enough to
know better’. However, my teens and early
twenties were not like this. When I think
back on this period of my life, I see a small
person, trapped within a multitude of
constricting confines which controlled my
attitudes to my body and my sense of self.
Instead of looking outwards, I was constantly
focusing inwards and the negative chatter
was firmly in control, drowning out anything
positive my friends and family had to say.
I knew that I had to change, and for
me, that would start with changing the
conversation I was having with myself about
myself. People can tell you that they can
see the beauty in you, but you must see it
and believe it yourself. My tipping point was
when I was living alone and suffering panic
attacks more frequently. I remember during
one attack I came out from my body, in
what I later came to understand through my
yoga practice, was being an ‘observer’. I was
observing myself and what was happening to
me in a way that was pragmatic, segmented
from any emotion, but with intelligence andAt the age of 27, Natalie Farrell decided enough is enough and embarked on
a 10-year journey, healing herself from the physical and mental damage caused
by years of battling an eating disorder. Here she tells her story
My story
rationality. I knew then I had to start believing
the things people were telling me about
myself because, rationally, why were they
saying these things? And for the first time,
I allowed myself to believe it was because
they truly meant them. On reflection, I am
reminded of a quote by Eckhart Tolle, which
had a profound impact on me, “If you get the
inside right, the outside will fall into place.”
I knew that I had to ‘stand-up’ and
metaphorically speaking ‘throw open my
wings and fly’ through those constricting
confines. I needed to be brave, coax myself
to experience new places, immerse myself
in different ways of living, explore cultures
and gain an insight into how other people
live their lives and, above all, force myself
to be more adventurous and take more
(calculated) risks.New start
So, the first part of my journey involved
travelling, firstly on my own through Europe
and then through America with my sister.
During this time, I overcame many small,
but big challenges for me; managing my
travel budget, meeting people I didn’t
know, going to places where I have never
been, driving on the other side of the road,
walking across cities without a plan or adestination, adjusting to the huge, open
spaces of Nevada and the contrasting
busyness and claustrophobia of Rome. Being
a lone traveller in Italy opened the path
to conversations with strangers, inspired
a new internal dialogue and thoughts and
provided moments of mindfulness and
self-indulgence. I remember buying a dress,
made of cottons. At the time, it was an
extravagant expense for me, but the feeling
of allowing myself to have something nice
and to be able to express who I am through
my clothes and not care what other people
think was huge. I had come from such a
restrictive place, I was opening myself up
and changing, thinking, “I’m not the person
I was, I feel differently now, and I feel the
world’s a beautiful place.”
Travelling, for me, is to plant roots to
my soul. It made me want to go ahead in
life, discovering how to root and fly at the
same time, metamorphosing integration
and migration.Yoga Journey
I was lucky enough to have been taught
yoga by Ganga White, the founder of the
White Lotus Foundation, in Santa Barbara,
USA. Through his teachings, and in his book
‘Yoga Beyond Belief’, he reminds us that: