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sDru third page All retreats 2018.indd 2 26/09/2018 17:24om mind
with all these feelings? This is what worked
for me.
Keep going – Look after yourself. Don’t
underestimate the impact of your loss. Every
level of your being will be touched. Maintain
your yoga, your meditation, your fitness,
your healthy eating. Keep it all going. Now
is the time to reap the benefits of all those
habits you’ve established in the good times.
Connect – I hate to say it but many of your
friends will most likely melt away during
this time. Our society simply doesn’t equip
us to be around others’ grief with grace.
Don’t chase. Make the few people who aren’t
freaked out the centre of your network.
Treasure them and let them nurture you.
Face it – avoidance doesn’t work. In zen we
learn to “turn the light around.” It’s so easy
to reach for distraction but burying these
feelings makes them worse. Meditation that
brings you face-to-face with yourself (even
in little, gentle doses) allows the feelings
and memories to begin to process. Do it with
kindness - but do it. The fastest way through
hell, as Churchill put it, “is to keep going.”
Notice change – the profound realisation
at the heart of zen is that everything
changes. There can be a rightness, even a
beauty around grief, and moments of joy
and even bliss within the pain. If you can
learn now to observe the processes of life
as they come and go without holding on or
pushing away, come the time of loss, you’ll
be in much better shape. You’ll never be
the same after your loss but with time, life
can be good again, perhaps even deeper,
perhaps even richer.Relationship Breakdown
Number two on the top stressors list is
divorce. And yet over 50% of marriages
fail. Most likely none of us have avoided
relationship breakups but add in
betrayal, financial uncertainty, the shift
of a companionable relationship to an
adversarial one, social circle disintegration
and possibly children and it’s no surprise
that divorce is so awful.
Because your former partner is still
very much alive, the grieving can feel like
an open wound that won’t heal. Therapist
Susan Pease Gadoua in Psychology Today
states: “When
any relationship
ends, it’s notuncommon for one or both partners to feel
intense hatred for the other at some point.”Here are some things that friends
and zen students suggest:
Take it day-by-day – you’ve survived so
far. Put your attention on different areas
in your life and you’ll start to feel different.
Find things in your day to appreciate. Keep a
gratitude diary.
Be intensely practical – be on top of
the logistics and legalities. Do your best
to keep the vindictiveness and pain out
of what you’re doing but stand up for
yourself. Take things step-by-step. Make
lists. Tick off your achievements.
Go gently – As we said above, do what
you can to face what you’re feeling. Find
the bodily seat of the emotions and simply
be right in the middle of them, not trying
to change them in any way. This utter
acceptance is paradoxically the most
transformative orientation. The feelings will
change. Guaranteed.Prison
Fortunately, this source of stress is much
more avoidable than loss and relationship
breakdown. Nevertheless, stuff happens.
Life can take many twists and turns.
Wrongful imprisonment statistics are
nowhere near zero. Probably all of us have
felt trapped at some time or other. My
teacher has a student, Kazuaki Okazaki,
who is incarcerated on death row. For over
a decade he has woken up not knowing
whether today’s breakfast will be his last. He
has dealt with the situation in these ways.
Put things right – Okazaki is guilty and
freely admits it. By making this stand he
has been able to apologise, to pray for
his victims and their families and to do
everything he can to lay it all to rest.
Make it a retreat – Okazaki has made prison
his monastery and spiritual practice the centre
of his existence. He meditates frequently. He
studies spiritual texts. He uses the rigidity of
the imposed schedule positively.
Get creative – restriction can crush us
or can be a spur to creation. Okazaki has
allowed his artistic side to flourish during his
confinement, to the point that his drawings
are featuring in ‘Rough Waking’, a forthcoming
book that will fundraise to support other
incarcerated and homeless practitioners.^Julian Daizan Skinner is co-author of
a new book Practical Zen for Health,
Wealth and Mindfulness (published by
Singing Dragon), which is out now and
priced at £9.99Worldmags.net