LORD OF THE DANCE POSEI used to love to do crazy-looking arm balances.
One of my favorites doesn’t even have a name. I
called it Flying Grasshopper. You balance on your
palms with one foot on your tricep and the other
leg extended behind you.
I can’t do it now. I can’t put any pressure on my
hands. Some days I can’t even do Downward Dog.
My yoga has evolved a lot in the past few
years, as I have gone through difficult situations.
My daughter, Maia, was born with serious
medical problems that ultimately required major
surgery when she was eight. She then developed
complications that she’s still fighting.
After Maia’s surgery, while I was staying with
her in the hospital, I noticed my left hand felt
achy. Then my right knee swelled up like a bas-
ketball, and my right hand started hurting. It was
really intense pain. I could barely use my hands.
I was used to having pain once in a while in
various parts of my body, but it would always
pass. My symptoms didn’t fit the profile of arthri-
tis or other diseases, so I’d been told I had my
own special autoimmune disorder. I had adopted
a macrobiotic diet and changed my lifestyle.
It wasn’t until I walked into that hospital that
the pain began to flare up out of control. I attri-
bute it to stress. I had days where the fear was so
intense I could feel myself sweating through my
clothing. I had to hide a lot of that; I couldn’t let
my child see that I was afraid for her.
I now know I have Lyme disease, and that I
have probably had it for over ten years.
My relationship with yoga has changed com-
pletely. I now understand the philosophy of
aparigraha, which means nonpossessiveness or
nonattachment. I have finally internalized that
yoga is about the process, not the outcome.
Imagine if I tied my self-worth to my ability to
balance on my hands. What would that have
done to me?
Today, I try to focus on what I can do. I take
each day and each circumstance one at a time
and try to live my yoga. After all, I spend way
more time off my mat than on it.