WISDOMIntimacy
When I see someone I love coming toward me, something opens or turns over in
my heart. It has to do with his or her specialness and with my ability to perceive the
unique beauty of their personhood. I call this the pleasure of intimate connection. It
can happen with a child, a romantic partner, a friend, a teacher or student, a pet, and
even with a group of friends or loved ones.
If the practice for deepening physical pleasure is attentiveness, the practices
for experiencing pleasure in loving are trust and acceptance. The deep pleasure of
loving intimacy arises when you’re able to hold your sense of intimate connection
with another person even when they are not meeting your needs. The yoga of
intimacy starts, like all forms of inner yoga, with awareness. Become aware of the
subtle expectations you bring. Notice when you are caught by attachment to a
particular outcome and when you’re hanging on to hurts. These things get in the
way of the pleasure that intimate love instills. This is why forgiveness is one of the
great yogic practices for keeping your heart open. One friend of mine works with
a sort of mantra that (at least in the short term) helps her keep the energies clear
in her family. It goes, I forgive you; please forgive me; let’s forgive ourselves.
Meaningful Work
In Heinrich Zimmer’s retelling of the myth of Kama (the Indian god of love,
desire, and pleasure), the fi rst thing the god says when he is born into the world is,
“What’s my job? Tell me what I am here to do, because without a purpose, life has
no meaning!” Those words, from the mouth of the god of pleasure, speak to the
intense joy of this third level of pleasure: that from purposeful work. Neither physical
pleasure nor pleasure from intimate love can substitute for that which you get from
meaningful activity, from devoting yourself to a cause or task that you deeply believe
in—one that seems to make the world a better place.
Two of my students still remember the sense of magic they experienced several
years ago when they ran to the aid of earthquake victims near a beach resort they’d
been staying at in Asia. As they threw themselves into the rescue eff ort, they found
that they could sense what was needed in the moment, and every action they took
was effi cient and harmonious. That dedication of every faculty to something that
felt vitally important not only enabled them to be genuinely helpful, but also keyed
them into an experience of pleasure as intense as any they’d ever had.
The yogic practice for accessing this level of pleasure is to do what you do for
the sake of the task itself, rather than for the sake of recognition or approval. The
Bhagavad Gita off ers us a time-tested formula, which I fi nd myself coming back to
again and again: You have the right to the action itself, but not to its fruits. It’s one
of life’s universal truths that when you work for recognition rather than for the
work itself, you’ll never get real pleasure from what you’re doing. Pleasure comes
from your willingness to make an eff ort for the sake of others because it’s the right
thing to do.
I FORGIVE YOU; PLEASE
FORGIVE ME; LET’S
FORGIVE OURSELVES.