Dumbo Feather – February 2019

know when someone will begin dropping into a deeper place within themselves. Sometimes

it might be in the beginning of a workshop or it might be in the final session where a boy’s

been silent all day and he stands up and reads really powerfully about the man he wants to

become. It depends on the program we’re running as to the level of intimacy and sharing that

goes on. I think the honesty can take place in different ways. So

We run an activity called, “Good Man, Real Man,” where we get the boys to answer on Post-It

notes, “What does it mean to be a good man?” Usually it’s, “To be honest, to be kind, to be

courageous.” Then we go, “Okay, what does it mean to be a real man? What are you seeing

around you, what are the pressures you’re feeling? What’s actually in your world?” And we’ve

got thousands of responses now, very interesting, things like: “Have a big dick, don’t be gay,

don’t be a virgin, crack a cold one with the boys, be buff, just deal with shit, facial hair,” all

this stuff. And they’re laughing their heads off. ’Cause we read them out. I go, “But in all

seriousness, what’s going on here?” They’ll say, “Well we know what we’re supposed to be but

if we look at what’s actually going on, it’s different.” So I’ll say, “Who’s ever felt pressure to be

any of these things before?” Fifty hands go up. And they’re like, “Whoa” as they look around

and recognise they are not alone. For the first time they question their social conditioning.

And someone will always put their hand up and go, “You know what? I get called ‘gay.’”

Another one’s like, “I’ve been dealing with my sexuality. And when I hear ‘that’s so gay’ in the

playground, it ‘others’ me.” We’ll go, “Okay, in that moment, who knew he felt this?” All hands

are down. “Do you mind just sharing the impact of that on you?” And he’s like, “I don’t want

to come to school. I feel like I can’t be my full self.” So I’ll ask the rest of the group, “Okay. I’m

going to throw it out to you guys. Who’s ever said that word around him? And you’re not going

to be in trouble, I just want to know.” Hands go up, then they stand up and apologise to him

for what they specifically said. They’ll acknowledge the impact that word had on him and the

different behaviour they are committed to going forward. So that’s like conflict resolution,

it’s stepping outside the behaviours of being a bully. A lot of these boys just get trapped in

that identity and don’t know how to get out. And if you can create a space where we’re not

moralising or shaming boys for their behaviours and attitudes, they can then explore this

stuff and engage with their mates about it and it changes the trajectory of their lives. Our

facilitators know how to gently build respect into the space so the boys get value out of this.

They feel held and safe, but also challenged in a way where they know it’s for their benefit.

My earliest memory of this was actually my first bike, a pink Power Rangers

bike. I remember riding at Centennial Park in Sydney and a bunch of boys

started paying me out. ’Cause they had black Mongoose bicycles and I had this

pink Power Rangers bike, amazing tassels on the side and a great basket up

front. I remember just being mortified when they started saying things. First

experience of shame and ostracisation out of the group, right? I remember

riding it over to Mum’s and throwing it on the ground. I was like, “Never riding

a lot of them haven’t experienced that real magic

moment where someone opens up and time

stops. The fascinating thing about authenticity

is it often changes the particles in the room and

people lean in.

I’d love to hear how you came
into this work. What drew you
to it initially and what that
journey has been like. I mean,
maybe even your earliest
moment of understanding the
complexities of gender?

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