THENEWYORKER,NOVEMBER25, 2019 35
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
Privately, the president had often talked about
fortifying a border wall with a water-filled
trench, stocked with snakes or alligators.
—The Times.
General Service Agreement
(the “Agreement”)
Dated this October 3, 2019
Between
United States Government
And
Alligators & Snakes
Background
- The U.S. Government is of the
opinion that Alligators & Snakes have
the necessary qualifications, experience,
and abilities to provide services to the
U.S. Government.
- Alligators & Snakes are amena-
ble to providing such services to the
U.S. Government under the terms and
conditions set forth in this Agreement.
IN CONSIDERATION OF the matters
described above and of the mutual
benefits and obligations set forth in this
Agreement, the U.S. Government and
Alligators & Snakes agree as follows:
Services Provided
- The U.S. Government hereby agrees
to engage Alligators & Snakes to pro-
vide the U.S. Government with services
consisting of: scaring the bejesus out of
any persons who come near them.
- The U.S. Government may also
request other services, which both par-
ties must agree on. Alligators & Snakes
hereby agree to perform such tasks for
the U.S. Government with the under-
standing that Alligators & Snakes are
indemnified from any and all injuries
sustained; expenses incurred; or loss of
life, limbs, liberty, happiness, abilities,
earrings, shoes, electronics, etc.
Compensation
- The U.S. Government is respon-
sible for all moving expenses of Alli-
gators & Snakes to water-filled trench.
(For the purposes of this document,
water-filled trench will be referred to
as “Moat.”) Moat must be outfitted as
outlined in Residency Contract (Ap-
pendix A), with accessible sunning
areas on sides and rim. Alligators &
Snakes (and any subcontracted Croc-
odiles) can bask for up to six (6) hours
on partially sunny days and up to but
not more than ten (10) hours on full-
sun days.
- The U.S. Government agrees to
deliver all the garbage from Disney
World (especially partially eaten giant
turkey legs) to Moat, and said garbage
will be distributed along its length.
- The U.S. Government also agrees
to provide weekly deliveries of mem-
bers of the House of Representatives
(either party), the combined weight of
such members not to be less than six
hundred (600) U.S. pounds.
Indemnification
- Alligators & Snakes will not be
held accountable by relations, friends,
or representatives of people whom the
U.S. Government does not expressly
want to be eaten, but who might be
eaten anyway. These include but are
not limited to: U.S. Border Patrol
agents, campaigning politicians, drunk
teen-agers, and/or thrill-seekers.
- Alligators & Snakes are not re-
quired to consume a quota of humans
per day, week, or annum. It is under-
stood that Alligators & Snakes are a
symbolic deterrent.
Property
- Upon the expiry of this Agree-
ment, Alligators & Snakes will return
to the U.S. Government any objects,
records, or confidential information
that is the property of the U.S. Gov-
ernment. Unless it was eaten.
- Alligators & Snakes will retain
ownership of any copyrighted works,
ideas, inventions, and products, includ-
ing but not limited to: T-shirts, sun-
glasses, and beverage coolers with like-
nesses of Alligators & Snakes (and any
subcontracted Crocodiles).
Capacity/Independent
Contractor
- It is expressly agreed that Alliga-
tors & Snakes are acting as indepen-
dent contractors and not as employees
of the U.S. Government. This Agree-
ment does not create a partnership or
joint venture between Alligators &
Snakes and the U.S. Government.
Dispute Resolution
- In the event that a dispute arises,
the parties in this Agreement will at-
tempt to resolve it through amicable
consultation (unless one party is eaten).
SIGNED, SEALED, AND DELIVERED
_______________________
U.S. Government
_______________________
Alligators & Snakes
Witnessed by:
_______________________
Crocodiles
Government Contract
BYSARAH PALEY
