THENEWYORKER,DECEMBER2, 2019 25
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
Click! Flash!
Oh, my God, you look so surprised.
You should see your face! Luckily, you
will be able to see your face, because
I’m the photographer your fiancé paid
to hide in the bushes and take pic-
tures of this intimate moment in your
relationship.
Actually, you looked way more sur-
prised when I jumped out of the bushes
than you did during the proposal, so
can we just do that bit again? Yeah,
you—give him back the ring. You—
get down on your knee and... go! More
shocked! Pretend that you didn’t see
this proposal coming the second he
suggested going for a sunset walk on
the beach while wearing slacks, a sport
coat, and, what are those, Hush Puppies?
O.K., I think we’ve got the proposal
moment covered, now let’s do some
general couple photos, because the only
pictures of the two of you are vacation
selfies or ones of you wearing stupid
fake mustaches in photo booths at other
people’s weddings.
You know in movies when a griz-
zled detective who got out of the game
after his wife was brutally murdered is
asked to do one more job, and he con-
templates his decision while staring at
a breezy, joyous photo of said brutally
murdered wife? That’s the kind of photo
we’re aiming for here. Something that
says “Happiness is fleeting, but at least
we got a picture.”
And, even if neither of you is mur-
dered by the first man you sent to prison,
you’ll need all these faux-candid pho-
tos for the wedding Web site that you’ll
create, for some reason.
But first let’s make sure that the
groom-to-be has enough stuff in his
pockets! Do you have one of those giant
Android phones? Of course you do.
Let’s get that bad boy in your front
right pocket, and let’s move your mon-
ster wallet to that front left pocket. We
could easily take this stuff out of your
pockets so that you’d have a smooth
silhouette in these posed photos, but
let’s immortalize those khaki-clad
lumps instead.
Stand together. Now put your arm
around her waist, and then I want you
to take your newly diamond-laden
hand and gently rest it between his
stomach and his sternum. Right in
that upper-tum area. Why there? Be-
cause it’s the only place you can put
your hand that says both “I have sex
with this man” and “I do all the things
his mother used to do for him right
up until I took over.” You want every-
one who sees this picture to know that
this is your guy and that you bought
him his underpants.
Now give it a pat. A little lighter.
Your wifely upper-tum-pat pressure
should be somewhere between burp-
ing a baby and when you gently palm
the purse you hung on a hook under
the bar in a crowded restaurant, just to
make sure it’s still there. But also keep
your fingers weirdly flexed to show off
the ring!
Let’s get a kissing one! Maybe a
tidy, sexless peck and then a realer,
juicier smooch? Excellent—both are
disgusting!
How about we try a jaunty piggy-
back ride? Or, sure, a visibly effortful
piggyback ride. I want to immortalize
your sausage fingers digging into her
knee-pits as you try desperately not to
drop her. And, you, try to turn that
look of terror into one of whimsy. Or
maybe affectation? It’ll all look the
same on Instagram.
Do you mind if I take a video, too?
Something brief and haunting that he
can play on a loop if the murder sce-
nario I mentioned before plays out. I
know it seems morbid, but I’ve been
taking awkwardly staged engagement
photographs for a long time now, and,
in my experience, it’s good to get it just
to be safe.
Oh, the sun is setting—I’ve got the
perfect pose for this! Each of you hold
out a hand in the shape of half a heart
and then press them together to frame
the sunset. What makes this the per-
fect engagement-photo pose is that
no one will be able to tell that it’s you
two. If you hang this in your house, it
will look like you just left the photo
that came in the picture frame when
you bought it. Only you’ll know that
you paid a lot of money for it.
All right, I think we’ve got enough.
Now that it’s pitch dark, how about
the three of us take a romantic hike all
the way back to the parking lot to-
gether? I promise I won’t murder you.
Ha ha. But, if I do, at least you’ll have
these engagement photos.
THE PERFECT ENGAGEMENT
PHOTO SESSION
BYSUSANNAWOLFF
