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December 2019 | REDONLINE.CO.UKA reader is worried
her partner isn’t taking
responsibility for his
health. Acceptance not
disapproval is the way to
help, says psychotherapist
and Red’s agony aunt
Philippa PerryQ My partner needs to look after
himself and his health better, but the
more I voice my concerns, the more
he digs his heels in. He is overweight
and was recently diagnosed with high
blood pressure, but even this hasn’t
made him try to lose weight. I cook
healthy meals and try to get him to
limit his alcohol intake, but I know it
will be even harder at Christmas with
so much food and alcohol around! He
already sees me as someone who nags
him all the time and we have rowed
about this. I’ve told him he has double
standards, as I know it’s important to
him that I look after myself and stay
slim, so why can’t he do the same for
me? Our sex life is suffering becauseHow can Philippa help you?
Do you have a question that Philippa can answer? It could be about your relationships at work or home,
your ambitions or career, your partner or child, motherhood, siblings, parents or friends. Email her in confidence
at [email protected]. Read Philippa’s past columns at redonline.co.uk. Philippa’s book,
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), is out now.CMA
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when he is so overweight he loses
interest. How can I get him to change?A Here is the person you love
apparently shortening his life right
before your eyes and you can’t stop
it. That is hard for you.
But be him for a moment. How is he
hearing your concern? If I put myself
in his shoes, I’d feel that I wasn’t good
enough. I’d probably drink and eat to
cheer myself up, and I wouldn’t want
to make myself any more vulnerable
by initiating sexual intimacy.
You sound angry with him and I
expect that anger comes from a place
of love – and a place of fear. Don’t tell
him that he must lose weight, which
makes him feel terrible, tell him how
much you love him, which will make
him feel wanted and cherished. Tell him
that you’d feel awful without him.
Show him how much he matters to
you. Do not tell him he is too fat, or
that he has to be anything else other
than who he is for you to love him.
And no more, ‘You’d do this if you
loved me because I do it for you.’ That
just sounds as though you believe youare a better person than he is. I’m sure
you only mean that it is possible to
control food intake, not that you are
superior in any other way, but it might
not come across like that, and were he
to follow your advice, it might feel to
him as though he was colluding with
the idea of his inferiority, and that
might make him feel worse. If he is
feeling inferior, that could be another
factor adversely affecting his libido.
Getting into ‘who is right’
arguments never helps a situation.
I can understand your resentment
and your anger, but showing it to him
won’t help either of you. The trouble
with the right/wrong positions is that
both parties start to gather negative
evidence against the other, and it tears
you apart. This is what causes distance
and arguments between people, not
one of you being overweight.
What we all need is love and
acceptance. Being seen, appreciated
and feeling loved, cherished and
understood – these are important
for our health and immune systems.
Living a healthier lifestyle may delay
our inevitable deaths, but it’s important
to show our love while we are alive.
He might not take the step to lose
weight, and your task is to enjoy him
as he is. Realise that he may never
change, that he may always prefer
instant gratification to changing his
habits, so accept and love him as he is.
When he realises he is good
enough, exactly as he is, he may
regain interest in sex, and it may
free him up to make other choices
in his life. But there can never be
any guarantee that he will make
the choice that you would in his
position – he is his own man.
Have a wonderful Christmas
and maybe let up a bit on your
own self-control – it may just
help with your resentment.sELF