life lessons
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Sometimes, it is hard to spot life’s most
valuable lessons. They often get buried
beneath a pile of school uniforms that need
washing or worries about the friends you
haven’t seen this year. We may ignore them
because they feel too tricky to tackle, or
we are so distracted that we overlook them
entirely. So, for my last column in Red,
I thought I’d polish up my specs and take a close look at the
lessons I’ve learned – and a few I’m still trying to...1
IT’S OKAY TO BE A WORK IN PROGRESS The
lessons we need to learn may present themselves again
and again. We experience pain and hurt, yet do not take
heed, and we get lumbered with another dose of trickiness
so we can have another shot at it. The recurring lesson that
I’m still trying to learn revolves around boundaries; I’m not
good at setting them. I want to be friendly, giving, on call
and thorough, but forget to protect myself in any way.
Occasionally, this leads to others trampling over me or taking
advantage, which leaves me feeling discombobulated. I’m
nowhere near conquering this one, but I’m at the stage of
learning to be aware. That is good enough for now.2
WE’RE ALL IN IT
TOGETHER If there is
one thing I’ve learned
from recording countless
episodes of my podcast, Happy
Place, it’s that everyone, without
exception, is going through
something. The gorgeous mum
you see on the school run with
immaculate children has issues
from her past. The unwavering
boss has days when they lack
confidence. The ex-partner, who
seems to be happy in their new
life, has fears for the future. We
are all dealing with something,
and we are never alone.3
THERE ARE NO QUICK
FIXES No French bob,
new-season loafers or
plush coat with an eye-watering
price tag is going to fix you.I often desperately want a new haircut when I’m feeling
wobbly or a bit rubbish. Surely a fringe will eradicate all
this anxiety I’m feeling? Perhaps an even shorter bob will
diminish my worries about juggling everything in my life?
I assume this new haircut will transport me to another
dimension, where I am the best version of myself, with no
problems and worries. It might boost me for a day or two and
put a little more sass in my stride, but I’ll soon remember that
I have the same regrets, phobias and concerns in ‘new haircut
land’. The only way to fix yourself is to remember that you
don’t need fixing in the first place.4
BEING BROKEN IS FINE As I write this, I have a
new sleep neurosis (which keeps me up a lot at night),
I worry about work, and I can be oversensitive about
things people say. But that’s okay. Maybe that’s where I’m
supposed to be right now to learn and expand as a person.5
YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET BACK TO EVERYONE
ALL OF THE TIME Remember when the only way of
contacting someone to ask a question or make an
arrangement was on a landline? Good. You’re almost definitely
as old as me. These days, we can be WhatsApped, emailed,
texted, Facebooked, DMed. We can be digitally poked
and probed at any time of the day or night and, as
lovely as connections can be, at times, they are
also stressful. In the episode of Happy Place
when I interviewed Eat Pray Love author
Elizabeth Gilbert, she talked about deleting
whole inboxes of unanswered emails,
which made my muscles relax with
liberation at the mere thought of it. Do
we have to be on call to everyone at
every minute of the day? I think not.
Here’s to phones off in the evenings,
slow responses that were accepted in
the 1990s and a lack of feeling bad
about every delayed reply.I’d love to finish this list by saying
thank you to you for reading this
column over the past year. One
lesson I don’t have to learn is that
gratitude uplifts me. So here’s one
big juicy thank you for your time
and thoughts about my writing and
musings. It is so, so appreciated.MY FIVE GOLDEN RULES
In the last of her year of Red columns, Fearne Cotton
shares her sagest and most life-affirming advice