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December 2019 | REDONLINE.CO.UKGUEST SPEAKER
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Let go of how things ‘should’ be and allow your
guests to share the load, says Priya BasilLast Christmas was a disaster. Never had I anticipated the holidays with so much longing;
never had they turned out so painful, so testing. There are many explanations for what happened;
one is that we all came – from Australia, Germany, Kenya – with very different expectations.
I, among other things, wanted trips to museums, long walks, deep conversations, delicious
vegetarian dishes, non-stop cuddles, gratitude, honesty, control. Others, variously, wanted
lots of sleep, no fuss, silences, easy distractions, dominance, TV, meat at every meal, no
obligations, admiration, unconditional love, gossip, lots of beer, solitude, authority.
We gathered in London at the house of a cousin, who was away, and though we had been
given the warmest entreaty to make ourselves at home, I had the odd sense of being at once
host, guest and stranger in this place I’d never visited, and where I nevertheless felt an obligation to make sure
everything went well. One person alone can’t be liable for keeping a dozen others happy. Still, I foolishly took
on the task. I ordered plenty of groceries online in advance, organised dates for visits
and outings, arrived earlier than the rest and got a head start on cooking. It was going
to be wonderful, joyous, the best Christmas ever.
Of all occasions, Christmas is especially weighted with promise. Even as we
might recall the tensions of Christmas-past and dread their repetition, we remain
susceptible to a belief that Christmas-future could be flawless. This, perhaps, is the
secular faith of celebrants: if I only get all the preparations right, it will be perfect.
Being well prepared certainly has advantages. Indeed, planning and anticipating
what’s to come is part of the pleasure of hosting. But true hospitality involves
freeing yourself and others from expectations of how things ‘should’ be. It means
remaining open, flexible – refraining from deciding in advance on an outcome.
Guests who arrive early or late, don’t show or appear unannounced with
a stranger, or those who are temporarily picky, moody, unruly – these are the
true tests of a host. I did not pass.
Between jet lag, twin babies, a toddler and wildly different eating preferences,
our family didn’t sit down to have a single meal all together, except on Christmas
Day, when we drove to an uncle’s place for lunch. The rest of the time, there was
an assembly line of food; at every hour someone was cooking, eating or being
fed. I was aghast: this wasn’t how it was meant to be! We weren’t spending time together properly!
Into the daily chaos thronged a stream of friends and relatives. I was glad to see most of them, but also
anxious about how to feed and find time for more people. ‘Why do you think it’s all up to you?’ my mum
asked, and pulled out dishes she had prepared and frozen weeks earlier. ‘Let’s just get a takeaway,’ my sister
said, and ordered Chinese. ‘Ask the friends who are coming to bring something,’ my husband said. So I did- and they happily agreed. We started cooking when guests were already there instead of trying to have everything
ready beforehand. We asked them to buy things we needed on the way over, to help with washing-up. People
were glad to be able to contribute, to feel needed – still, I was uncomfortable in the moments of role reversal,
as if I were somehow failing. Yet these instances were among the most convivial of the holidays. Later,
I reflected that if I’d been able to be similarly relaxed with the immediate family, more accepting of my
own limitations and theirs, our time together might have been less fraught.
In families, we often fail to acknowledge that along with the fun of festivities come duties that must
be shared. The burden of a successful gathering doesn’t just lie with the host, but with the guests, too,
and with our readiness to switch roles. If we could be more open about this, parcel out tasks and not
just presents, we might get a little closer to that ‘perfect’ Christmas.
HOW TO HAVE THE ULTIMATE
FAMILY CHRISTMAS
‘Parcel out
tasks, not just
presents’
Be My Guest (Canongate Books) by Priya Basil is out now