MDthe washington post
.
thursday, november14
,
2019
When I hear a child is feeling
lonely, I check for a couple of
points. First, what is the child’s
temperament? Is this a child
who thrives off numerous
friendships, or is this a child who
has always enjoyed one or two
good friends? You report that she
preferred solitary activities in
her elementary years, so maybe
she is introverted, maybe she is
very bright, or maybe she is just
an old soul (or maybe all three).
In any case, it isn’t a problem
that she didn’t make many
friends in elementary school,
despite the fact our culture
prizes collecting friends. Is her
shyness possibly standing in the
way of connections? Yes, but that
doesn’t make her way wrong or
in need of being fixed. It is
important to understand the
mind of an introverted child,
and I love Susan Cain’s work on
this subject.
The second thing I always
look at: “Is the child involved
activities or hobbies?” And wow,
your daughter is in everything!
Why is this important? Well, an
interested child is an interesting
child, and her participation in all
these activities means she is
daughter pretend she is someone
else, but there are many ways to
help her rehearse conversation
starters and then continue those
with invitations. Something like,
“Wow, practice was hard today
... Did you think so, too?” As the
conversation goes on, your
daughter can make a direct ask:
“My mom is taking me for pizza
after the game on Saturday,
would you like to come?” Your
job, as the parent, is to make
yourself available for these
outings. Maybe it is a trip to a
movie, a mall or a coffeehouse,
anything that facilitates your
daughter hanging out with a
new friend. You can brainstorm
some ideas with your daughter
about fun outings and make
them part of the direct ask, just
don’t be too pushy or needy
about it.
Finally, there are such things
as social skills groups, so you
could reach out the school
counselor to ask whether there is
one in the school. Your daughter
is not alone in struggling with
friendships at this age. Seventh-
grade friendships are intense.
Former friendships are shifting,
alliances are switching, and
smartphones and the Internet
only complicate friendships
further. Hurt feelings abound,
and it can be hard to know
whom to trust.
Your daughter’s safest place,
emotionally and physically, is at
home. Don’t let her see you panic
about this. If you are worried
about her, she will think there is
something to be worried about,
and you don’t need to add to her
stress.
Look at this part of her life as
an opportunity for her to build
lifelong friend-making skills
while also staying true to herself.
Make sure you point out (but
don’t cheerlead) all the
wonderful attributes she has
going for her. She is her own
person and may want different
things than you do.
Most of all: Don’t pity her!
Stay positive and good luck.
Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the transcript of a recent live
Q&A with Leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice, where
you can also find past columns. Her
next chat is scheduled for Nov. 20.
Send questions about parenting
to [email protected].
BY MEGHAN LEAHY
Q: My seventh-grader,
although she’s funny and
incredibly bright, has had a
tough time making friends
over the years. In
elementary school, she
preferred doing projects on
her own and missed
opportunities to interact
and partner with her class
mates. She was in a dual-
language program from
kindergarten through fifth
grade with the same group
of students. Despite this,
she never had a “best
friend” while others formed
strong bonds. Now in
middle school this lack of
close friends is catching up
with her. She feels as if
nobody speaks to her if she
doesn’t speak to them first,
and she is so sad watching
others excited to see and
talk to one another. It
breaks my heart, and I
don’t know what to do. She
is an involved student and
participates in
extracurricular activities
such as sports, theater and
orchestra. I often
encourage her to ask
friends to hang out outside
of school, but she doesn’t
do so very often. How can I
help her during this
difficult time?
A: The first thing I wondered
when I read this letter is, “Who’s
having the more difficult time,
you or your daughter?” Of
course, I know you’re writing
because it is awful to watch your
child suffer; I have yet to meet a
parent who shrugs off friendship
problems. In this scenario, I’m
just not sure where her troubles
begin and your feelings end. It’s
something to consider as we dive
in.
ON PARENTING
Why it’s okay that your seventh-grader lacks close friendships
THE WASHINGTON POST/PRISMA FILTER/ISTOCKFamily
constantly interacting with her
peers. So maybe she doesn’t have
a robust group of friends, but she
is far from alone, and the fact
that she is this active is a good
sign.
The third question I have is,
“Can this child approach others,
and do they need further skill-
building in this domain?” The
good news is that your daughter
reports that she does approach
and speak to her peers, so she is
already ahead of the game in
regard to the courage that
requires. She may need help with
the “how” and “what” she is
saying to these kids. Under no
circumstances should your
Your daughter is not
alone in struggling with
friendships at this age.
Seventh-grade
friendships are intense.