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school exams in prekindergarten and kindergarten, and
it was quite a serious business. The desks were pushed
apart to prevent the preschoolers from cheating. These
tests are the first in a life full of exams, diplomas and
certificates. A life filled with parents encouraging their
children to get good grades (yes, I do that, too),
because don’t you want the best for your child? And
the better their grades, the more choices they have.
The world is at their feet, they can become whatever
they want: doctor, journalist, artist or inventor. Or seek
happiness on the other side of the world. The sky’s
the limit.
That’s a great luxury and wealth, but it also demands
something from us, Van der Steen notes. “For many
people, it is a struggle to think of what you want,” she
says. “And a responsibility, because if you don’t achieve
what you wanted, it feels a bit like it’s your own fault.
After all, everything is within reach, so obstacles are
mainly in yourself.”IN YOUR OWN HANDS
It used to be different. “In the past, you still had all
sorts of excuses: you couldn’t reach your full potential
because of your background,” Van der Steen says. “Or
the will of God prevented you. But for many people those
explanations no longer apply. Nowadays, everyone has
opportunities and it is up to you to take advantage of
them. That also means that you have to shape your
life yourself, that you have to learn to value yourself.
But in addition to that, you also have to deal with
disappointments, and that requires emotional stability.”
According to the philosopher Arnold Cornelis, people
are not altogether geared for that. Up until recently,
we lived in a hierarchical world, one in which others
determined our lives and we usually did just what was
expected of us. Cornelis saw the ‘now’ as a transition
phase to a time when we must become self-aware
world citizens who shape the world together. “From an
evolutionary point of view,” Van der Steen says, “it’s a
new step to come up with things all by ourselves and tobe able to look at only ourselves in the mirror. As the
philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre put it, ‘Man is
nothing else but that which he makes of himself’. And
that’s quite a struggle. For example, we must learn to
guard our own boundaries and not let ourselves get
pushed past them. We’re not so good at that yet when
you consider that one in seven employees complains
of burnout.”
And, Van der Steen adds: “Because so much is
available, you can get disappointed by what you don’t
achieve. Or in the choices you haven’t made. That’s
tricky. From that perspective you can fail and that
makes you vulnerable. It’s the dark side of our search
for success.”WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I also find it is scary to state my ambitions, because
who says I can achieve my goals? Is it perhaps the
coward in me who does not dare to speak up? Or is it
the sloth that prefers short-term planning and avoiding
long-term plans as much as possible? According to
social psychologist Roos Vonk, we have two sides to
our character: the hedonist, who only wants to have
fun, have pleasure, only wants to enjoy life and doesn’t
want any hassles. And the idealist, who thinks about
the long term, about responsibilities and about
achieving higher ideals that will sometimes require a
little inconvenience. Very often the hedonist ‘wins’.
Vonk says the hedonist is like a little spoiled child in
you, a little devil who wants you to avoid the annoying
and difficult. But unfortunately you can’t just have fun,
she says, because there is always the idealist who
shouts that things have to change, the Calvinist in
us who thinks we should make ourselves useful.
Many people also feel guilty because of the
expectations of people around them. As life coach
Gertrud de Witte observes, “Parents, friends, fellow
students, you name it. If you don’t meet their
expectations, you don’t belong. Or actually, you’re
scared of not belonging”. In her practice, De Witte‘SOCIETY MAY WANT US TO GO THAT EXTRA MILE,
BUT FAR MORE IMPORTANT IS WHETHER DOING
SOMETHING GIVES YOU SATISFACTION’