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HOW TO MAKE IT WORK
Before you consider buying a house with other people,
go on a long vacation together first. What is it like
being around each other 24/7?
Get people from different generations involved in
your commune so you can stimulate, inspire and help
each other.
If you want to live with friends, being tolerant and
flexible always helps. Is this how you see yourself?
And what about your friends?motivation is the fear of loneliness,” she
says. “What happens when your partner
has gone? And if you have children, it’s very
possible that they might have to move
abroad for their job. We don’t really like the
idea of sitting somewhere alone as we get
older. Our hope is that we can all pitch in
and buy one big house. We can take care of
each other, see the humor of growing old,
and enjoy all the things we’ve been through
together, all over again.”
There are countless advantages to
growing old with your friends. A study has
shown that people who spend a lot of time
with their friends are happier and live
longer. “One good example is the Japanese
island of Okinawa, which has the largest
population of 100-year-olds in the world,”
says health psychologist Huub Buijssen,
who specializes in ageing. “For months,
scientists tried to figure out why people live
so long there. One of the results showed
that they eat a very healthy diet. More
important, however, is that the elderly on
Okinawa have a sort of informal club of
people with the same interests who have
known each other all their lives and help
one another physically and emotionally.
This is one of the secrets to living so long.”MANUALS
According to Buijssen, if good friends live
near you, it can be the perfect buffer for
stress. It provides you with a goal, because
you are doing things together, and
prevents a feeling of loneliness, most
people’s biggest nightmare. Because you
have known each other so long, you share
so many memories and know one another’s
‘manuals’. You know what’s off limits for
them, what you can and can’t discuss, andwhere the other person’s interests lie. “But
this is of course a tricky business,” says
Buijssen, “because you’re always in very
close quarters with each other and also
have to make all your arrangements
together. This ranges from simple things
like grocery shopping to insurance and
buying health care.”WHAT’S OKAY AND WHAT’S NOT?
There are things you might have to deal
with once you’ve decided to live together,
including what things you do together and
what you do on your own, do you share the
costs equally or based on what someone
can afford, and how far do you go to
support someone needing assistance?
“If you want to grow old with friends, you
must be able to separate the relationship
from the substance; in other words, don’t
treat the person and the problem or the
practical and the emotional as one,” says
psychologist Susanne Piët. “Try to think,
ahead of time, what could go wrong,” shesays. “What if someone dies or finds a
partner who doesn’t really fit in with the
group? Lay everything on the table and talk
openly about these things.” Once all the
issues have been tackled, it’s a good idea
to have a civil-law notary put all the
agreements in writing, not because you
don’t trust each other, but because you
want everything arranged. “My friends and
I have been talking about setting up
something like this for a really long time,”
says Piët, who lives on a country estate that
would be an ideal location to build a
commune. “The funny thing is, as we get
older, we start denying that we’re getting
older. We actually don’t even want to think
about it. But then again, we don’t want to
think about a nursing home at all. My
advice is not to wait until your health starts
declining but to start looking at all your
options when you’re in your 40s or 50s. Get
a good idea of what’s out there now that
you’re still fit and healthy; it will increase
your chances of success considerably.”TEXT
FLEUR BAXMEIER
ILLUSTRATIONS
LIBBY VANDERPLOEG