THENEWYORKER, NOVEMBER 11, 2019 35
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
S
o you’re thinking about breaking
up with me. As unlikely as it may
sound, you are not the first. Chances
are you’ve got a lot on your mind right
now, as you tackle such questions as:
When should you do it? Where should
you do it? Are you making a colossal
mistake? Breaking up with me can be
a confusing time in anyone’s life, but
in 2019 it’s a more complicated mo-
ment than ever. Before smashing that
Eject button, make sure you have ex-
amined the short- and long-term envi-
ronmental effects of straight-up dump-
ing my ass.
Every day we make dozens of de-
cisions that we barely even register.
Plastic bag or reusable tote? Straw or
no straw? Grow old with me or turn
your back on the best thing that ever
happened to you, risking a lifetime of
gnawing regret? These choices may
seem small, but they have real conse-
quences for the health of our planet.
When it comes to breaking up with
me, the complex web of environmen-
tal factors to address can feel over-
whelming. Fortunately, some factors
are readily apparent, even to the break-
ing-up-with-me layperson. Let’s start
simple: consider the untold gallons
of clean, potable water that would be
wasted by my crying in the shower.
Scientists don’t have a precise esti-
mate of how much water might be
lost, but, taking into account my new
shower-safe speakers and the com-
bined length of Mitski’s two most re-
cent albums, the amount is sure to be
catastrophic.
Make no mistake: running from
my sweet embrace leaves a sooty set
of carbon footprints. If historical data
trends are any indication, your dumping
me will trigger a swift chain of events
that culminates in me at a bar, drunk-
enly disparaging you to my friends. At
the end of the night, my level of in-
ebriation and the late hour will force
me to take a Lyft home instead of
the subway. Those extra CO 2 emis-
sions are a breakup by-product, as are
the single-use plastic bottles of Gla-
cier Freeze-flavor Gatorade I’ll inev-
itably buy the next morning.
Some effects are more insidious.
Should you kick me to the curb, you
must anticipate that I am going to sit
on that curb eating ice cream. I will
eat ice cream every day, sometimes at
strange hours, because I have seen sad
women do this in movies. This, of
course, spells ecological disaster. Not
only do dairy cows produce greenhouse
gas, but industrial dairy farming can
cause the destruction of prairies, for-
ests, and other ecosystems. You might
meet other interesting women in your
life, but good luck replacing North
America’s wetlands!
You may find yourself doubting that
this scale of devastation can be blamed
on any one individual’s decision to
break up with me. This is natural, com-
pletely understandable, and wrong.
It’s a statistical near-certainty that,
if you break my heart, I will take a
month off from work and embark
on an “Eat Pray Love”-style journey
around the world. We’re talking a
dizzying montage of airplanes, cabs,
bottled water, economic support of en-
vironmentally irresponsible nations,
and God knows what else. Again, this
is a conclusion based on years of in-
dependent data collection and analy-
sis. If it were up to me, I would hike
the Pacific Crest Trail, like Cheryl
Strayed in “Wild,” but, as irrefutable
evidence shows, I am weak, and scared
of bugs.
I could go on, and I have, in the at-
tached graphs and flowcharts. Break-
ing up with me is a very personal choice,
and no one can make it for you. I only
hope that you have gained a helpful
new perspective, one broad enough to
confront the fiery, drought-ravaged
world that awaits you in your single-
hood. There might be “other fish in
the sea,” but will there be actual fish
in the literal sea? It doesn’t look good.
Alternatively, we could stay together
and preserve this beautiful blue mar-
ble for our grandchildren. (I know we’re
not on the same page about having
kids right now, but I think that if we
keep discussing it we’ll find a compro-
mise!) The Intergovernmental Panel
on Climate Change and I eagerly await
your decision.
THE ENVIRONMENTAL
IMPACT OF BREAKING UP
WITH ME
BYSARAH LAZARUS
