ILLUSTRATION BY RISKOmuch less funny. The competition is irksome. What do you
consider your greatest achievement? Hoodwinking the
entertainment industry. If you could choose what to come
back as, what would it be? A Brad Pitt. What is your
most treasured possession? A Grammy. For songwriting.
For actually writing a song that won a Grammy. What do
you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Missing a two-
foot putt. Where would you like to live? Toronto, Sun Val-
ley, L.A. What is your favorite occupation? Turning the
letters on Wheel of Fortune, but Vanna White’s got it. What
is your most marked characteristic? Not being aware of
when I start droning on with an answer to a question and
begin drifting in my mind and eventually, over time, com-
pletely lose track of what the question was, if a question
was even asked in the first place. What was the question?
What is the quality you most like in a man? Compassion.
What is the quality you most like in a woman? Confi-
dence. What do you most value in your friends? Know-
ing they are there for you. Who are your heroes in real
life? First responders. What are your favorite names?
Daniel and Sarah. How would you like to die? In my sleep.
In bed. With a half-eaten egg salad sandwich on my chest.
hat is your idea of perfect happiness? Devouring an egg salad sandwich with
the salt, pepper, and mayo in exactly the right proportion. What is your greatest
fear? Being on a Broadway stage and forgetting what the play is. Which histori-
cal figure do you most identify with? Abraham Lincoln. Still trying to come up with why.
Which living person do you most admire? Deborah Divine. What is the trait you most
deplore in yourself? The inability to laugh before 11 a.m. What is the trait you most
deplore in others? Rudeness. What is your greatest extravagance? Never examining a
restaurant check. What is your favorite journey? The hike to Skoki Lodge. On what
occasion do you lie? Lying is bad. I never lie. That is...what I mean to say is...next ques-
tion, please. What do you dislike most about your appearance? I do have some varicose
veins I’m not too fond of. Which living person do you most despise? Bin Laden is dead
so has to be Trump. What is your greatest regret? Never overcoming my disdain for con-
frontation. What or who is the greatest love of your life? Deborah Divine. When and
where were you happiest? Any time and any place I’m with my family. Which talent
would you most like to have? To be able to sing. Well. I mean really well! What is your
current state of mind? Relatively positive. If you could change one thing about your-
self, what would it be? To not have to wait until the feature starts before eating my pop-
corn. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? Make them
W
The cocreator and star of
Schitt’s Creek talks family competitionand finding egg salad bliss
Proust
Questionnaire
Eugene
Levy
132 VANITY FAIR DECEMBER 2019