THENEWYORKER, OCTOBER 28, 2019 25
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
W
e regret to inform you that your
petition to not die has been
denied.
We had a tremendous number of
applicants this year, more than five hun-
dred million, as awareness of our ser-
vices, once considered a “hoax,” spread
across unedited social-media platforms.
We assure you that we reviewed your
application thoroughly. We remind you
that omission of any material was cause
for rejection, and you wrote “N/A” on
the areas marked “heirs,” “life-insur-
ance policy,” and “number of times
you’ve used the expression ‘I could just
die.’” However, we conducted our re-
view with the information available.
According to your Statement of
Eternal Purpose, you have an idea for
an app that decodes dreams and then
recommends charities based on those
dreams; you fact-check people who
post misleading information on Twit-
ter about your favorite TV shows; and
you plan to adopt a dog from a rescue
shelter. These attributes, while encour-
aging, describe more than ninety per
cent of our applicants, many of whom
are children.
A few judges were initially per-
suaded by your argument that your
parents told you that your death was
“so far away it would practically never
happen,” and therefore it would be un-
fair if you actually had to die. How-
ever, we ultimately concluded that if
we granted you immortality on these
terms we would have to spare every-
one whose parents told them this,
which would create an insurmount-
able logistical and metaphysical prob-
lem for our systems.
We are pleased that your yoga prac-
tice has helped you recognize the light
in all beings, and that you “don’t even
feel weird” about having the loudest
ujjayi breathing in the class. But your
story about meditating for thirty min-
utes did raise some questions among
our panel about your ability to handle
an eternity of the mind.
The judges were unclear whether
you have a fatal illness or another im-
minent threat to your life. A few mem-
bers of our panel argued that your an-
swer to the adversity question—“Body
pains that could be cancer”—was the
reason for your petition, but others
pointed out that the doctor’s report you
submitted indicated that you are in ex-
cellent health.
Which made us wonder whether
your impetus for submitting this ap-
plication was simply your realization
that you would one day die. And,
Madam, we must admit, this gross lack
of understanding, only recently cor-
rected, did not recommend you to our
judges as a candidate for eternal life.
In terms of a future resubmission,
we suggest that you take another look
at your references. The descriptions your
boss provided of the skills you’ve ac-
quired and the projects you’ve managed
at the media company where you work
were impressive, but they offered our
judges little insight into how you would
perform when faced with the burden
of infinity. The rest of your references
appear to be recommendations for col-
lege written by high-school teachers.
Madam, we caution you: immortal-
ity is not for everyone. If you have a
cowlick, you will have a cowlick for all
time. You will have to forgo any plans
to haunt anyone. You will have to forgo
fantasies about your own epic funeral.
We hope that you understand how
incredibly selective this process is. We
wish it could be different. We wish all
human beings could be afforded the
gift—or, some might say, the curse—
that we provide. Every day, we’re work-
ing to bring you new solutions. But,
at the moment, our immortality op-
tions are limited to cryogenic freez-
ing, vampirism, and really, really good
gut bacteria.
We know this news must be devas-
tating. We appreciated the opportunity
to read your application, including the
supplemental childhood drawings you
submitted of yourself beside a bearded
figure with a wizard hat labelled “GOD.”
It’s always disappointing to hear that
your entire existence, your body, soul,
and consciousness, will rot into the soil
of a temporary earth and disappear into
vast nothingness. We encourage you to
reapply, reminding you that we accept
application fees on a rolling basis.
YOUR IMMORTALITY
APPLICATION
BY CORA FRAZIER
