Cosmo’s
very
official
boss
dictionary
KPIs? Child’s play.
By SARAH WELDONHow fun is it when your
manager starts speaking a
different language full of
corporate jargon and BS-
sounding abbreviations?
Sooo fun. Honestly, no one
would ever *actually* use
this lingo in normal conver-
sation...yet it’s everywhere,
used by bosses to make
themselves seem important
and impressive. Or, you
know, to actually get work
stuff done. Translations here!RFPRequest for proposal. This
is a doc you give a potential
business partner that
asks them to show you can
work together.If the higher-ups want an update
on a dream collab, tell them,
“I’ve sent out the RFP and I’ll let you
know when they respond!”Annoying
termLiteral
definitionHow to sound
~corporate~One-sheetA single sheet of paper
summarizing a product,
your biz, or basically whatever
else you’re working on.If someone asks you to send them info
on straight-up anything, just say, “I’ll
write up a one-sheet so you can have
it on file.” Promotion, please!COBClose of business, aka when
the workday ends. Similar
to EOD except that could
mean...midnight.Leave this one to email or chat
message, à la, “I’ll get that to you
before COB!” (Because, TBH, you
might sound silly saying it out loud.)ROIReturn on investment,
aka how much you get back
from how much you put in.Next time your boss suggests a project
you’re iffy about, hit ’em with: “I’m
just concerned we’re not going to see
enough ROI.”Net-netKey performance indicator—
a metric (like sales or new
followers) that determines a
project’s success.Whip this out when you want your
supervisor to know you’re on top
of shit: “Based on the KPIs, we’re
overperforming this quarter.”KPIA fancy way of saying
“bottom line” or the
total amount you either
gained or lost.When she asks you if you’re burning
through the budget, throw her the ol’
“Net-net, we’re actually in the black.”uJ
stsmilean
dnodlikeyouknowwhatshem
ea
ns
.BADASS (^)
BOSS
November 2019 Cosmopolitan 103
life
EV
ERE
TT^
CO
LLE
CT
IO
N.
G
ET
TY^
IM
AG
ES
.