how plausible this scenario is, but let’s
explore it, because it poses ethically inter-
esting issues. There’s a further distinction
to be drawn. Sometimes, let’s stipulate,
the cashiers, taking pity on you, are doing
you what they regard as a favor and don’t
expect you to notice it. They’re making
themselves feel generous. But if they do
expect you to notice, then what they’re
doing is communicative, and the thought
being communicated is ‘‘I noticed your
condition, and so I’m doing you a favor.’’
In either case, their generosity is — unless
they or their family own the store — at
someone else’s expense. And in either
case, their pity involves a form of conde-
scension, to which you object.
With justice. You don’t want to be
treated in a way that refl ects your congen-
ital amputation, in circumstances where
you ought to be treated like anyone else.
This isn’t to say that your condition is
always irrelevant to how you should be
treated; it would be discourteous for a
cashier to present your change to your
left arm when your other arm is holding
a shopping bag. It’s simply irrelevant to
how someone should add up your bill.
Is this undercharging unkind, though?
Only if the cashiers anticipated that what
they did would be unwelcome. Unlike
you, however, they didn’t know that their
actions might fi t into a larger pattern, and
it takes some measure of insight to see
that an ostensible act of generosity is in
fact disrespectful. Yes, by pointing out
the errors, you may well have a chance
to educate some of these cashiers. That
would be a good thing. But you also risk
getting them in trouble with manage-
ment. (They’ll probably protest that it was
a simple error.)
And it isn’t your duty to set them right.
So long as the sums are relatively small,
you can indeed let the mistake slide —
availing yourself of the same right any
other customer has.I am a caregiver and peacemaker at heart.
I try not to fight with anyone in my life
and stay away from contentious persons.
My husband does not want to speakto two of his siblings who have caused
him a great deal of turmoil in his life.
I have no active quarrels with them but
do not feel close to them, either. They
tell me I should visit them even if he
does not, but I don’t want to let down
my husband, who does not want me to
cultivate any sort of relationship with
them. What is the best way to support
him and continue to be true to myself?Name WithheldYour husband has cut off relations with his
siblings for what sound like good reasons.
He would prefer it if you did the same.
You plainly don’t care for them very much
yourself. So I see no strong argument for
breaking ranks. If one of your precepts is
to ‘‘stay away from contentious persons,’’
you should be able to oblige your spouse
and remain true to yourself as well.Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy
at N.Y.U. His books include ‘‘Cosmopolitanism,’’
‘‘The Honor Code’’ and ‘‘The Lies That Bind:
Rethinking Identity.’’Yo u h av e n’ t
taken your
commitment
seriously if you
keep the form
of what you
agreed to do
while failing at
the content.