ILLUSTRATIONBY ULLAPUGGAARD FT.COM/MAGAZINEOCTOBER19/202019

gillian.tett@ft .com;@gilliantett

Bushnell divorced,sheexperimentedwithsites

such as Tinder(apparentlyfull of youngermen

chasingolderwomen),beforeeventuallybump-

ingintoanew64-year-old“boyfriend”ataparty.

Butsearchingforromanceisnolongerthestress-

fulcompetitivesportthatitwasinthetelevision

series, perhapsbecause thereislessexpecta-

tion of ahappyending.“In middle-ageddating

andbeyond, people aren’t partneringup to get

alife,”she observes.“Theyalreadyhavealife –

childrenandexesandparentsandwork–sothis

time round arelationshipis about enhancing

yourlife.”Amen–andhooray.

C

ynicsmightarguethat this ver-

sion of events onlyappliestothe

minorityof people who arelucky

enoughtobefinanciallyandemo-

tionallyself-sufficient.Fair point:

Bushnelllivesinaworldthat is

elite by most Americanstandards

(asdoI). But when youlookback

at the widersweepofhistory,the

factisthat most western women

today–eliteornot–havelivesthat

look far morepleasantthan their

forebearscouldhaveimagined.

Evenasrecentlyashalfacenturyago,divorced

womenof50didnotusuallyhavemanyoptionsin

termsofjobs,letalonethechancetobuyahome,

redefinethemselvesordateyoungermen(going

“cubbing”, to use the current NewYork lingo).

Nordomiddle-agedwomen todayinmost parts

of the non-western world have manychoices.

(I spent time earlierin my careerinplacessuch

as Pakistanand Tajikistan,whereunmarried

womentendtohavebrutallylimitedoptions.)

So,yes,the generationreared onSexandthe

Citymightsometimesliketomoan about life

with girlfriends overbrunch;and yes, it can

sometimesfeeltough to juggle the stressesof

middleage, as Bushnellartfullydescribes.But

manyof thosearechallengesborn of luxury –

at least compared historicallywith the livesof

99percentofmiddle-agedwomen.

The factthat Bushnellhas managedtowrite

herbookasking“Istherestillsexinthecity?”is

not just atestamentto the miraclesofmodern

medicine,but anew form of feminismas well.

So perhapsanothersecret to enjoying avibrant

middleageasawoman–whethersingle,divorced

or dating–istofeelthankfulfor that. Evenif

gratitudedoesnotalwaysmakeforgreatTV.

T

wentyyearsago,Idevelopedalove-

haterelationshipwiththetelevision

seriesSexandtheCity.Back then,

likemany women in their twen-

tiesand thirties, Iwas mesmerised

by this saga of NewYork dating,

friendship,fashionand career

dramas,basedonabookbythecol-

umnistCandaceBushnell.

But Ialso foundit irritatingthat

the four sassywomeninthe show

were so obsessedbymen that they

rarelydiscussedanythingelse. “Is this really

what feminismis about?”Iwould sometimes

grumbleto myfemalefriends,beforeswitching

ontheTVforthenextaddictiveSATCfix.

Now,having recentlyturned60, Bushnellis

back and giving the idea of femalefriendship

an intriguingnew twist.Post-SA TC,her ownlife

did not always stick to the script:she divorced

from her “MrBig”and became so exhausted

with Manhattanthat she left for the country-

side. But she remainsfascinatedbythe dating

gameand has nowwrittenIs ThereStill Sex

in the City?,which looks at whathappens

whenamiddle-agedfemaledivorcee embarks

onromance.

Insomesenses,thisisgrimstuff.Bushnellhas

realisedthat men of her vintagefrequentlylike

todateyoungerwomen.Shehasalsodiscovered

thatmiddle-ageddivorceisoftencostly;somuch

so that“in manycases[divorced women]go

back to the same social and economicsituation

that theyspend all of their thirtiesand forties

tryingtocrawloutof”.

Someofher older,singlefemalefriends

struggle to find an income.Others grapple with

illness.ManysufferfromboutsofwhatBushnell

describesas“Middle-AgedMadness”, awrench-

ingperiodofanxietyaboutdashedexpectations.

“Thereare psychic momentsin MAMthat will

makeyou want to scream,”she writes. “When

youstareinthe mirror and seenoreason for

goingon.”

Yetdespite this litanyof woes,Ifound

Bushnell’sbookrathercheering,ifnot life-

affirming–eventhoughIhavealso passedthat

50-year-old mark,live in NewYorkand am

single.Forwhat her accountshows is that if

women (or men)can acceptthat life does not

followanexpectedscript, theycan discovera

newsenseofindependenceandthejoyoflearn-

ingtoliveonyourownterms.

Thisispartlybecausefemalefriendscanbeas

important(ifnotmorecrucial)inmiddleageas

when youare in your thirties. It is also because

avocation or passioncan deliverhuge pleasure

in later life. Then thereare simplepleasures to

relish. By the age of 60,for example,bikerides

canbeasthrillingasendlessshopping,Bushnell

notes, whichwas certainlynot amessage of the

originalTVseries.

Anotherpositive surpriseis that dating

becomesfar morerelaxingin later life. After

‘Searchingforromanceisno

longerthecompetitivesportit

wasintheTVseries;there’sless

expectationofahappyending’

GILLIAN

TETT

PARTINGSHOT

Sex,middleage

andthecity