UNDER THE MICROSCOPEU N D E R T H E M I C R O S C O P E
1
I do love a bit of alliteration,
here combined with assonance to
suggest gusts.2
But I’m not sure about ‘swirled’,
which seems more suggestive of a
(semi)liquid to me. Water. Coffee. Paint.3
The problem with alliteration
is that you can easily overdo
it. Though the combination of s’s is
pleasing, what purpose does it serve? Is
the intention to suggest a hissing sound?4
Another effective bit of assonance.
‘Lonely toll’ evokes the mournful
sound. But no apostrophe is needed
in ‘its’.5
Don’t fall too languidly into the
arms of poesy. The bell is not
really a ‘call’ to anyone since most of
the friends and family are already in the
church and, besides, the funeral was
probably organised and announced in
advance. Also, this is not a sentence; it’s
a fragment.6
The bald statement of the date
looks like the author stepping in
momentarily to advise the reader of
some necessary information. Until now,
the narration was broadly omniscient.
If the date is important, use a heading.Alternatively, you could write: ‘There
would be no fireworks in the village of
Burlham on this fifth of November.’7
This is not a grammatical sentence.
Intentional obliviousness to
grammar is not necessarily a bad thing,
but it does change the tone and the
style. The previous description has been
quite lyrical and literary, but here we
get some tough-guy Dashiell Hammett.
The phrasing is also a bit clunky. Why
not, ‘The date of Frank’s funeral’?8
A lofty and arch statement. No
fireworks at New Year?9
A double space really isn’t necessary
between paragraphs here. Readers
will instinctively process the change
in perspective. However, the sentence
could be better constructed. Currently,
the emphasis is on the shiver rather than
on the person. Is it better to say, ‘Lady
Mary Marshall shivered’?10
The italics aren’t necessary.
You’ve told us that this is her
thought. Also, there are no quotation
marks so we know she’s not saying it.11
This description needs some
unpicking. While I’m a fan of
compound adjectives, I’m not sureJames McCreet puts the beginning of a reader’s family saga under his forensic critical scrutiny
38 NOVEMBER 2019 http://www.writers-online.co.ukThe cold winter wind^1 swirled^2 around the single
swinging^3 bell in St Mary’s church tower. It’s
mournful, lonely toll^4 a call to the family and
friends of Frank Cartland.^5
It was November 5th in 1965.^6 The date for the
funeral of Frank.^7 There would be no fireworks in
the village of Burlham this year.^8A shiver went through the body of Lady Mary
Marshall.^9 Always causes regrets for those still living,
she thought,^10 as she sat in the hard-old black
oak, Cartland family, pew.^11 Here to bury her
father Frank Cartland.^12 All the; I will, I can...
and maybe next week,^13 have suddenly become,^14 I
should have, I could have and ...never.^15
Her father had always been the most important
part of her life, until William Marshall had
entered it and stolen her heart.^16 The longstanding
Cartland and Marshall family conflicts had
constantly saddened her.^17
Now, without her father, she felt an important
part of her had also died.^17Sitting in the pew directly behind Mary eighty-
eight-year-old Doctor Howard Jones shifted his
large body trying to find some comfort on the
unyielding wooden surface.^18
Shaking his bald head slightly and thinking,^19
how could this elegant, beautiful woman be the
scruffy oily handed little girl I used to know?^20
He had sat in this place many times for the
weddings and funerals of the Cartland family. Sadly,
far more funerals than weddings.^21 The last time the
bells had rung for Frank Cartland it had been a
joyful peal to celebrate his wedding in 1920.^22
Howard was the only one, of more than one
hundred people crowded into the church, who had
known Frank as a boy.^23 What a life, he thought.
I never expected all those years ago that,^24 skinny,
battered,^54 and bruised little boy would have packed
so much into his.Under the Microscope
Steve Bradley writes under the pseudonym
of Max M Power. A Fatal Addiction is his
self-published family saga trilogy, set in the
world of motoring. This extract is from
Part 3: The Victor and the Vanquished.