ELLE.COM/UK Nove mbe r 2O19 1O9
ELLEFeature’ve always loved that point in conversation
where one story has finished and received
the appropriate laughs, and next comes that
loaded question: ‘So, what do you do?’
For the past 1O years, I’ve been confident
of my answer: ‘I’m a journalist and an editor.’ This
was predictably almost always followed up by
‘That’s interesting, who for?’, then I’d get to really
flex, because I’ve been the bigwig editor at cutting-
edge media companies, from fashion magazine i-D
to Refinery29 for close to four years. What came
with that was an enormous amount of social cachet,
demonstrated through nodding heads and whispers
of ‘cool’ and ‘wow’ when I told new acqaintances.
You see, that was the bulk of who I was in my
twenties, until I realised that I couldn’t keep up with the
fiercely ambitious and successful person I’d created.
After all, it’s a vast space between how things sound
at a party and how they feel day-to-day. And, at
the too-young age of 31, after I’d worked so hard to
get to where I was, I realised I no longer wanted it.T HE END of A MBITION?
Ambition is a powerful motivator:
the founding principle of the
American Dream, what men are
expected to have in abundance,
and women are expected to have
in a fair dose – enough to be
attractive, but not so ambitious that
you don’t have time to get a wax.
I was raised on ambition,
taught that professional success
is not just desirable but existential.
My dad moved to the UK from
Egypt and, at 66, still works 7O hours a week. When he arrived in
England, he stacked shelves and lived on cans of beans while he qualified
as a doctor. This sort of story is common among immigrants, who often instil
this work ethic into their children. ‘Do it until you fall down’ was the advice
he gave me when I told him I found the pressures of my job too much. ‘If
you’re comfortable, you’re failing’ was another mantra he passed down.
So, that’s exactly what I did. Until I fell down. I went from an intern at
i-Dto online editor at 23. It was 2O1O and the ethos of digital media
was to put in the hours and learn by doing. I worked until 11pm, sometimes
4am, my relentless work ethic resulting in being dumped by my first love for
choosing work over him. I ditched my friends, missed family get-togethers
and prided myself on being late to everything because I was so busy.
I was obsessed with my job and the world it connected me to – Paris
Fashion Week, inter viewing Ryan Gosling, travelling to Beijing to write
cover stories – it was a dream, so of course I gave my whole self to it.
I considered myself ‘a career woman’ at 23 when my friends were,
age-appropriately, figuring out what they wanted to do. I became i-D’s
deputy editor, then acting editor at 27 – I’d somehow convinced my
bosses I was unflappable. Days were filled with hourly deadlines and
aggressive weekly targets. When friends asked about work, I’d compare
it to running on a treadmill with someone constantly speeding it up.She was a famous writer
at 23, an EDITOR at 27
and founded a digital
brand by 30. But when
Sarah Raphael finally
got TO THE TOP, why did
it all feel so... empty?^
I